Let me be honest for a moment. I really, really don't know if I'll stay here at this school for a year. Right now (well, some days), that just seems like a lifetime.

I appreciate that I've done two months already (yada-yada-yada), but after this amount of time, 6-day weeks of non-stop hassle, general exhaustion and plenty of forthcoming 'demo' lessons are all taking their toll.

Before setting off, what I said to myself was - you speak English, you know English, so the fun will be in trying to find creative ways to present and teach it.

Whereas in reality (and I know I'm merely emphasising my own ignorance here) half the effort goes on getting the students to notice you're trying to teach them and ignore the Chinese-speaking classroom 'assistant', the rest on just ploughing through the sometimes innapropriate 'syllabus'. And due to our desks being on display in the lobby and surrounded by mayhem 8 hours a day, I'm just too exhausted (and deaf) to think, never mind be creative.

Because 'Bushibans', or language cram schools, are profit centres and little else (or certainly this one is), if a kid's mum (like in yesterday's class) sends their offspring to this school as a kind of babysitting service and doesn't care whether they bring their work and books, or indeed learn, then why should the boss of the school keep them down a level or threaten to chuck them out when there's dollars to be earned? In the meantime, the dynamic of the class goes to pot (particularly when the kid's as crazily demented as yesterday's boy) and less learning's done in general.

My contract is set-up thus: if I leave before the year's end, I lose a month's salary (well, my contract actually reads 'an amount dependant upon the problem to the school'). Whereas, of course, they can sack me any time they like. The Taiwanese employer's way, or Alan's at least, seems to be with a smile but also an assumed knowledge on my part that any change to their plan will cost me. Lots of business dealings are based on favours in a Mafia-style from what I've learnt / read so far.

At the same time, I'm thinking maybe I should give myself a date (i.e. on a payday) to decide by, then if I've decided it's this job or my mental health, I'd give my notice and keep enough cash from that pay to cover everything over the next month including costs of changing return flights etc (not expecting to keep any cash from the pay I get on my last day)...

I hate this idea financially and would, much to my annoyance, see it as some kind of failing, but at the same time I don't like waking up depressed, looking at pictures of family and friends and wanting to just bawl into my porridge (this is some days, not all, but it still freaks me out, and yes... I bought porridge).

I want to pay off my debts and at least leave Taiwan debt-free. On the other hand, maybe I should look at other positions in Taiwan that don't involve being in school outside lessons and pay a little more, then that might make it better generally and worth leaving this school for.

Don't know. Maybe I'll have a tip-top day today and it'll all seem rosy. It's that kind of uncertainty that's bewildering though

I'm sure these present woes are also being compounded by what Jess is feeling - it's Christmas and although there's plenty of Christmas activity here, it's only with a 100% commercial slant and it's not like we get Xmas day off work or anything. That and not being able to get trashed with close friends on Christmas Eve is v.strange.

Having said that, we had our school Xmas party yesterday (i.e. normal 9-5pm Saturday work day, then 6 hours of Chinese screamed through loudspeakers and us wandering around the pitch black grounds of the local elementary school to make sure no kids got stolen while they did a treasure hunt).

All the teachers had to get garbed up in fancy dress for this event, so in a highly cynical if somewhat lazy bid to win one of the three money prizes on offer, I: borrowed a suit, bought a dirt cheap scarf, stole a very authentic looking broomstick from our basement, popped the lenses out of some cheap shades, and called myself Harry Potter - thus tapping into a great many kids' current obsession and securing third prize (twenty quid) in the meantime. Hoorah.

Rambling entry this one, and morbid, so sorry about that. I didn't wanna post it initially, but then I thought the 'warts and all' approach would be maybe more interesting...