Well then, it's Sunday today. We arrived here in Khao Lak at around 10.30am on Friday morning (or was it Thursday?). Khao Lak is very small beach resort on the South West coast of Thailand.

The potentially dull 12-hour bus drive was made all the more interesting by a bald, small, drunken English yob laid behind us on the back seats, who not only stank but grumbled in his sleep. Rather like my childhood pet Cilla in fact, though he didn't wake himself up / make everyone else pass out by farting... to the best of my knowledge. Combined with the occasional outburst from a German backpacker lady with a laugh like an Asthma attackee on helium, I'm sure you can begin to appreciate the fun that was had.

The South of Thailand, anyway, is HOT!! Not humid like Taiwan really, but darn it... I spent just an hour or so with my top half exposed to all and sundry, and this evening I'm glowing plenty. The sea is pretty choppy so that will be good open-water swimming practice for next year's 'prat does a triathlon' attempt.

Thai food meanwhile is, it must be said, dirt cheap and amazingly tasty. Much nicer than Taiwanese fare in my opinion... sweet and sour, satay (Peanut sauce), spring rolls, spicy noodle dishes. Oh, and lots of fruit and muesli on offer around brekky time!

We've got a little one-room wooden bungalow about a minute's walk from a very nice beach (erm, yes, quite a bit nicer than Kenting in Taiwan I'm afraid! Shame... shame... shame...).

Oh, we found somewhere to watch the rugger on Saturday too. It being the second ever rugby I've watched (the first being the S.African game), I have to say it was pretty bloomin' exciting. And we won - bargain! That Frank Spencer-ish man with the golden boot, he's really rather good... though his name escapes me right now.

I believe the plan is to stay until next Friday then, followed by another overnight journey for a last day in Bangkok of breathing pollution and visiting a massive market for last-minute tat buying (that's tat as in rubbish, not tattoos. Ooh no, good grief).

Well, I finished at school last Saturday. All very bizarre. Therefore this could be my last report for a while (as I'm off to Thailand tomorrow for 10 days) so I'll try to make it half-interesting!

OK. Notable days of the year...

Best moment: could be one of several: kids from my recent K1 class (age 7-8) being generally sweet as candy; a fat kid called Patrick throwing a dice into the ceiling, it hitting a light, the light crashing onto student Joyce's head and her laughing rather than crying (the relief was palpable); my winning third prize in the Christmas Fancy Dress Competition (my Harry Potter fake costume, if you remember). Strange how the mind goes blank isn't it?

Worst moment: Christmas Day definitely. Made me realise just how special family Christmasses can be, how much I missed everyone (I was at that 3-month, what-am-I-doing-here? point), how people should NEVER have to WORK on Xmas day.

Most bizarre moment: oh, I can't think... read back on this site and take your pick!

Scariest moment: my first ever lesson, OR my first 'demo' class in front of parents, OR any time I've been on the road in Taiwan...

Most embarassing moment: could be when K1 kids were hanging off my legs and pulled my jeans down to my knees, or could be when some kids, I forget which class, were doing a writing exercise and I was amusing myself trying to juggle three plastic hammers. Before long, this amazing display of circus skills went somewhat pear-shaped and I tripped over the whiteboard's frame and went sprawling, legs akimbo, arse over tit, hammers everywhere, very little writing done thereafter!

As I said above, I'm going to Thailand for 10 days tomorrow, and meeting up with Clare, who used to teach at my school here (she's been slacking ever since around Asia, doing very little other than sitting on beaches and drinking cocktails from what I can gather). Thus, I might not be updating this site or responding to email too often.

Wish me a happy vacation (doh! holiday I mean...). For once in my life, it feels like I've earned it.

Take care all...

Matt.

Firstly, a long overdue t-shirt slogan update:

#1 - kid's t-shirt showing picture of bear
'IMPOSING BEAR'

#2 - kid's t-shirt with the following slogan (no pic)
'Nappy feature...'

Nice!

-------------------

Job / plans / career (!) update...

This week I have mainly been thinking about how much I would like to go back to England, catch up with everyone, move to Manchester (my fave town in which my very good friend probably has a room free, and in a house featuring husky puppies!), go to some gigs, spend Christmas at home, finish my ebook, join a triathlon club (Manc has a big one)... that kind of thing.

I'm very 50/50 at the moment. I intend to decide within a few days. The nice thing is that if I do that and at any point I wish I hadn't, I know I can do and survive this now, so it's only a plane fare away. I could simply apply for another job out here (do-able with a year's experience), though not in a cram school (adults or kindy, which can be fun I'm told), and make some profit out here again. OR, if I go before July 27, I'm JUST young enough to apply for a year's Australian working/travel visa and catch some sun / have a look around there.

Who knows? Hopefully I will shortly...

Yours ever faithfully,

Matt the Indecisive.

Greetings one and all. Very little to report I'm afraid.

* Have spent a couple of mornings this last week at the mountains. Having borrowed a chopper motorbike (or persuaded your student policeman to drive you!), it's possible to fill an hour with a truly evil (i.e. steep) half hour's step hiking, followed by a half-hour wander back down the winding mountain road. This return route includes a great view and passes many a bin-lan farmer chopping down their nuts from 30-foot skinny trees (bin-lan is the stimulant, similar to chewing tobacco I guess, that many of the men here chew (to lip-reddening effect).

* The boss at school has gone on the offensive again re: getting me to stay. Why I can't just say ' thanks, but NO' when that's what I'm thinking, I just don't know. Gutless wonder!

* As of yesterday, I've 3 weeks left at this school!

* This week's fitness obsession is triathlon. I found myself browsing an article about this 'multisport', and rather than each 'TRI' being a whole-day near-death experience as I though, it turns out that you can enter short-race 'SPRINT' events, which with some training could be possible I think.

These usually consist of 500-1000M swim, 20-25K bike, and 5-10K run. I am currently trying to find an event like this in the first half of next year to aim at (preferably in Taiwan... I've found four TRI's here so far, but they are all Olympic length events in the mountains (did I mention how steep they are?)). I'll keep looking.

I told you I didn't have much to report. I've just woken up you see, so my limbs are faking being alive, whilst my brain's not even entering the denial stage yet.

The new job at David's (English & Japanese) Language Center is full time (teaching hours being 12 noon to 9pm Mon-Fri and 10-3 Saturday). Note - I won't teach all these hours or even be in school at these times... these are the hours that my lessons will definitely fall between. If I don't have class, there's no need to be in school, or anywhere else for that matter.

I'll maybe still teach one kids class per week. That I can just about handle (my one weekly chance to act like a total baffoon, without embarassment).

The rest of the classes are adults and company workers. Afternoon classes will usually be at school and evening classes across town at the Science Park (computer chip firms etc. - best to picture it as a Taiwanese Silicon Valley / Palo Alto type deal). Friday and Saturday classes however are ALL small classes, ranging from 1-2-1 tutorials to 1-teacher / 4-student sessions.

The pay is better than the current place. It's worked out per hour taught, so I'm assured 100 teaching hours minimum per month (though in July and August these hours will likely rise to stupid levels - 120, 130!!!), plus the end of contract/year bonuses are very enticing.

Yes, the contract is for one full-year.

There are 80 staff at the school, 22 of whom are foreign English teachers (mainly Canadians, some S.Africans... I suspect I may be the only Brit, though I'm not sure).

I can grab two weeks holiday, plus 7-10 days for Chinese New Year (which will be at the end of January).The two weeks will probably be at the end of summer (maybe England and Europe?), and as for Chinese New Year, I intend trying to persuade my folks to maybe slightly rescedule their plans to visit Suzy in Dubai, so that we can have an end of January family reunion!

Any more Qs?

Yesterday, I had my second interview for a full-time teaching job at Davids English Center in Hsinchu (pronounced Shin-Joo).

This consisted of a half-hour 'demo' lesson for four students (who were actually English-speaking David's staff and included the head of English, Kirsty - who interviewed me previously, and the boss of the center 'under an assumed name').

It all went rather well really. I made them laugh (I'm very British apparently), they made me chuckle too, I didn't trip over my own feet or accidentally belch, and then they offered me a job. Jolly good!

I then put my negotiating hat on and managed to get the starting date put back to December 1st. Why? Well, I finish at THIS school (Jordan's) here in Huwei on November 15th, which gives me a week to harass Kirsty at David's into helping me find an apartment and a scooter in Hsinchu, and then the best part of a week to pop across to Thailand, catch up with ex-Jordans teacher Clare, and sit on the beach thinking dreamy thoughts.

All in all, pretty pleased then. Hsinchu is an hour's fast train from the capital, on the coast - a small city with half-decent nightlife, some swimming pools, a gym (I'm scarily happy about that), and so on...

Let's see how slow these next five weeks go then!

Hope y'all well in Blighty. Keep those emails a coming!

Well, just under 7 teaching weeks at Jordan's to go.

I've just booked a couple of days off (one this week, one next)... for interviews (adult & corporate English teaching in the big city). So, I have my 'Resume' done and dusted, have borrowed some smart togs (left mine back in Blighty - doh!), now all that remains is for me to get on the right train, which ain't as easy as it sounds, and try to explain to the taxi driver where I'm going. Fingers crossed.

Demo class for new ickle students tomorrow evening. Hmmm...

Distance between Leeds, England, United Kingdom and
Taipei, Taiwan, as the crow flies:

6038 miles (9716 km) (5247 nautical miles)

(I'd wager that's one knackered crow)

Initial heading from Leeds to Taipei:
northeast (49.3 degrees)

Initial heading from Taipei to Leeds:
north-northwest (330.3 degrees)

Thrilling stuff isn't it? I hope my Geography teachers are real proud.

Good grief, I must get a life.

So, eight weeks left on my school contract. My boss has asked me to stay for a second year and while the money appeals (maybe 7-8K over the course of the year if I really knuckled down and saved hard), the idea of working six days a week in such a kid-heavy environment just seems a bit much. And another year in Huwei really? The words OF, BOREDOM, DIE and I WOULD... spring quickly to mind.

However, I've been job hunting already and I have found a couple of adult/business teaching vacancies (mainly up in the capital Taipei). Whilst I maybe couldn't save quite as much, I could I think still save some cash (and this would be balanced by, well, having a life!) as I'm quite the skinflint really (such shock! - a reader friend). I have an interview on October 7 up in Taipei and am applying for more such vacancies so wish me luck.

More updates when I have a sec...

The old guy apparently doesn't live in the moon, but chills out there. As for the rabbit, I've received no confirmation as to when it arrived up there.

As for Chann Err (my spelling), to answer the question of how she got to the Moon, apparently in her Queenly disgruntlement, she stole an everlasting life potion from the King, which gave her all sorts of juicy side effects (the ability to fly being one of the best). Sorry that bit of crucial info was missing from my earlier yarn, but I've just learnt it.

Oh, so the Moon Festival day. Yes, Louise and I spent the evening with our Taiwanese friend Candy and family. In their yard they had two small BBQs going, serving up standard fare (sickly sweet sausages, pork etc.), and some more obviously Taiwanese additions such as chicken's hearts (they are half the size of your thumb and have a weak liver taste), and chicken's ass (namely the fatty flap of skin that dangles from its posterior). As I said, very fatty and thus tres chewy.

After dinner, we wondered down to the nearest rice field with Candy's cousins and spent a great hour letting off a huge bag full of fireworks, at one point lighting around thirty small rockets from one soda bottle (which soon tipped over and led us to scatter down the road like scared chickens escaping a stressed poultry-ass-chef).

The next day I was off school, feeling very sick indeed (which I put down to the slightly undercooked and frankly nasty sausages. I'll avoid them in future (as I probably will the ass flaps too). An education then...

My young student Dan wore a t-shirt today with a picture showing an ape and a banana.

The writing on it read thus:

'energetic bananas for positive gorilla'

Great.

Last Sunday a few of us drove 40 minutes to the foot of the mountains to visit what amounts to Taiwan's biggest amusement park.

Think of a smaller Alton Towers on a VERY steep hill in really sweltering heat, but packed (and I mean, packed!) with Chinese folk (due it being Sunday, most people's only real day off).

The rides included a vertical drop, a pretty tame rollercoaster, a spinnning viking ship type affair called the Frisbee (which despite our denials actually caused a fair amount of greenness around the gills), and a vertical bungee drop kind of experience (where we were strapped into a cage surrounding a giant metal pole poking up into the sky, then winched up, then dropped - great ride, great view).

The best thing by far, however, was the Guide Map. The English used in this publication was cause for much merriment. Here are some samples - enjoy...

Sky Scraper Fighter (a.k.a. an amusement arcade) - 'enjoy the exciting moment of self-accomplishment as you are competing with computers no matter for dancing, car racing, or sniping'

Frisbee - '360 revolving with 9th grade speedy change and 180 big swing for upside down in the space'

Air Shower - '60 big swings as like the fairy dancing - Wow, your minds are swinging'

Enter Prise - 'Walk on the flying plate as alike for up-side down suddenly to have fun'

Turbo Drop & Space Shot (the latter being the vertical 'bungee type' drop ride mentioned above / the former the opposite) - 'Challenge the non-gravity environment by riding on the space chamber for avalanching suddenly'

And as for those 'non-ride' facilities, check these out...

Harmonyhill Executive Club - 'The best escort place for family and employees having vacations'

Taxi / Bus Stands - 'Wait for here for convenience conveyance'

Piccies at some point hopefully...

If anyone can answer the following tricky questions, please feel fee to click 'Comment' and enlighten me. For I am flummoxed...

1 - Why do kids with nuclear-strength colds wait until I'm walking by before they let loose the snot?

2 - Why do naughty (by that, read evil) children never get sick?

3 - Why are the scariest Taiwanese drivers (without a doubt... old people on scooters) never involved in road traffic accidents? Indeed, how do they even get to be old?

4 - Why do the kids most in need of a pre-test review session always turn up to class half an hour late, just as it is ending, and then preceed just to stare dumbly at me when I ask their oral test questions?

5 - Why did my boss Alan tell me I look very cute in my recently donated fisherman's hat? *yikes*

Imagine, you put on shorts and a t-shirt. Then you walk into a sauna and sit down. You start to sweat. You don't stop, even at night. That's Taiwan right here, right now.

Some lucky chucks have air conditioned apartments, but sadly we don't, and even more sadly we're all as tight as duck's arses, so we haven't paid to get a couple of units fitted (though maybe this will change as the summer progresses and we keep losing pounds of weight every day... ?).

I can't type much more, right now, as I'm paranoid about ruining my laptop due to 'finger-drip' (a new heat-based typing issue I've yet to solve).

Well, after being here for the best part of two weeks, tomorrow I fly back to the kid-infested sauna that is Huwei, Taiwan.

On first arriving back in England, the first thing I noticed was how big, white and hairy people were (meaning I was no longer considered average/tall in height - doh!).

The second was obvious really, namely how expensive everything still is.

The third? How us Brits seem to love queueing. I've got used to barging around in shops in order to pay for things, so being back in British supermarkets where the staff never seem to smile and the queues stretch for miles was weird.

And confusing... I went to buy Jaffa Cakes (didn't realise I missed 'em so much!), but it took me ten minutes to find them because I could read EVERY SINGLE PACKET in the biscuit aisle. Such choice!

And the traffic here is oh so polite (I know, i'm surprised I'm writing that too). All that stopping at red lights and letting people go before you. VERY nice.

Over the course of the last fortnight, I have revelled in the fresh air, and have seen almost everyone I know.

Of course I also went to my cousin's wedding, which was a stunning sunshine-filled day at a country house somewhere outside Wakefield.

The list of things I am supposed to take back to Taiwan for various people was lost almost immediately upon my return, plus I've only been into town in the daytime once, so I hope people will understand.

The weather here has even been pretty good (sunny, but not humid - how novel!).

I'm sure I'll think of loads more, but in the meantime, wish me luck surviving the following flight schedule...

Manchester - Amsterdam - 12.15pm - 2.40pm (followed by a five hour wait!)

Amsterdam - Bangkok - Taipei - 8pm - 5.30pm (next day).

Then - 150 mile bus journey, with changes.

Lovely. See you there!

No caption required.

Unjumble the captions to fit the characters...

"Us? Oh, we're only CATALOGUE models y'know..."

"Bloody peasants, you're all beneath me!"

*insert red hot poker somewhere foreign* - "AYEEEEIIIII!!!!"

Well, in 3 weeks I'll be returning to Blighty for a couple of weeks of family weddings, saxophone summer schools and catching up with those people I've missed. Can't wait!

At present, I'm still the only foreign teacher at our school, though following a big ole' chat with the boss today, it appears there may be two newbies coming in August (fingers crossed and throwing salt over my shoulder here)... the likely couple are both English - one - a rugby-playing Sports Science graduate (i.e. professional beer drinker and potential LAD) and no. 2 - a Chinese-English graphic designer girl from London.

Very little to report I'm afraid. The weather here varies a lot at the moment (rainy season I think) - one day torrential and quite warm, the next humid as hell and amazingly hot (half an hour in the sun and you've sunstroke... it's that simple).

Getting back into exercise (running, believe it or not...) AND sax practice though, so I'm not too guilt-stricken.

More soon... sorry for the lack of input recently. I've been rather busy, as I hope you can all understand.

Okay, let's start some kind of diary of 'em, now we've had two earthquakes in two days.

The first, well, it didn't really strike so much as murmur yesterday morning. As I laid in bed trying without success to fight off consciousness, it felt like a very fat man trying to push the mattress across the room (and failing). I could see my music stand start to wobble (I'm on the 13th floor remember), but nothing like during the quake at Christmas.

Today though, oh that was much more fun. About five minutes into my afternoon class (which needed some excitement adding to be fair), the whole room started wobbling - this quake lasted much longer, for maybe two minutes in all. I was only on the second storey this time.

I tried to keep dead still to monitor the affects and the best way I can describe it is this: it's like being stood on one of those moving floors you get in the 'Haunted House' at the fairground.

Obviously massive town-flattening, life-ending shakes are one thing, i.e. not good for anyone concerned, but these Taiwanese rockers are simple fun, even if they do make you feel queasy for a little while afterwards.

Oh, I know it's been a while, so here's a quick update:

* School - it's still there. I'm loving every minute of it. Really, there's no sarcasm involved in that statement. A recently fattened pig on a 'see-it-and-try-it' tour of Mr. Walls's Sausage Factory (Life Cessation Dept.) couldn't be happier.

* Friends and stuff - great. New additions added. Recent weekend knees up with swell English couple led to mucho beer swigging, cigar smoking (I know, what's that about?), dancing like a loon 'til 5am, and two days of hangover...

* Romance - aye, a little of that too.

* Culture - It was Dragon Boat Festival last Wednesday. The nearest location for said race was around an hour's drive away, but we all gave up any intentions of going along, since everyone Taiwanese claimed it was actually really boring and the river stank anyway, so why not watch it on TV? Our TV gave up the ghost weeks ago (a good thing, I'm finding...) so nothing to report there then.

More soon (maybe)... oh, if anyone wants to hear a sick but funny SARS joke, look in the comments beneath this message (it's nasty though, you've been warned)...

I know this isn't supposed to be a movie review site, but still.

Here's a quick quide:

* Fighting: In general, very cool fights, as you'd expect. Great fight music too. That said, there aren't any of these fights until you're at least 30 mins into the film - and as Neo's fighting speeds up (he needs to because that irksome Agent Smith keeps replicating himself all over the shop), the special effects take hold and Neo begins to look less like Keanu, more like a slimline, yoga-teaching Morph.

* Music. Very cool. Very 'space-age Propellerheads'. At one point in the film the whole Matrix resistance crew have a huge demonstration/meeting kind of 'do', which thereafter turns into a rave. The tune used in this scene (which I've yet to track down online) is absolutely stunning. It's worth seeing the film for this tune alone, especially heard in Movie-theatre-surround-sound.

* Characters. Lots of newbies, much like the second Lord of the Rings flick. Quite confusing to keep to keep up with. Lowlights include a French-accented smarmy git who made me want to get inside the film purely so I could slap him about a bit.

Also, Neo meets the Architect of the Matrix, which is quite possibly the dullest, most confusing and drawn out scene you'll see on a movie screen this year. This guy talks r-e-a-l-l-y slowly, and rambles on in a very Matrixy pseudo-philosophical way, using the biggest words you've ever heard outside of a Pure Mathematics Talkathon, and he confuses you (well, he did me) to the point of wishing you'd taken a small wall along to bang your head against.

* Great lines - hmmm... absolutely ALL the lines in the Matrix Reloaded are delivered s-l-o-w-l-y, with huge amounts of GRAVITAS in a blatant and quite frustrating attempt to make this movie feel like an epic. And quality lines too, like 'You do not really know someone.... until... you fight them'. Wow, thanks for that. Oh, and the French guy was seemingly obsessed with the concept of "cause (insert HUGE PAUSE) and... effect". Whatever floats your boat I suppose.

* The plot - ask me if or when I've watched this again. Prepare to be confused, really confused.

Brief attempt at a basic plot summary: Neo still looks confused and bewildered (I know how he feels), lots of resistance 'unplugged' humans live in a place called Zion (under the ground) with heads called Counsellors, captains and all sorts (the film was really trying to out-Star-Wars Star Wars in this respect), the evil Matrix computers create an army of sentinels, Neo and Trinity get jiggy on a fairly regular basis, Neo must go into the Matrix mainframe to solve stop 250,000 sentinels attacking Zion. He does get into the mainframe computer but somehow in the process
learns that he's not really the one at all, or so we're told.

* The much-discussed religious references... yawn, oh please, I ain't heading down that geaky path.

I have a hangover, which may have tainted this review somewhat. For this I apologise.

However, on the plus side, this film was watched in a VIP screening, with HUGE comfy chairs, free drinks, popcorn, and a complimentary DVD of the first Matrix film (which I understand, hurrah!).

In conclusion: I wouldn't suggest you avoid this film, because the dance tune I mentioned really is that good, but don't belive the hype, don't expect too much, and prepare to suspect your disbelief, a long, long way up.

The quickest week in the world is over. Tomorrow - 6 1/2 hours of as yet unplanned 'teaching' beckons.

I've found that if you put your mind to it, it's quite astounding how little you can get done in a week.

Some exercise, a little sax practice, lots of DVD watching, a bit of Net work, but that's it. No exciting trips elsewhere (it being the week before pay day), no contracting of exotic Asian diseases, no dancing 'til the small hours (that's next weekend).

Bah humbug. I'll write more when there's something to say and I'm not feeling quite as down about tomorrow. Having said that, another week not working in Huwei and I'd be mad, MAD I tell ya!

We are one South African down as Nicky left on Monday. We clubbed together for a muso-fest leaving pressie and wished her well (she'll be MUCH happier back home methinx).

So, things are very strange this week. Nicky's gone, Todd's on holiday in the U.S., me and Phil have holiday, meanwhile Gareth, Joe and Renee are in school, planning and telephone teaching, but not actually teaching normal lessons.

And it's hot. Oh, good grief O'Reilly, it's hot!

So, due to Phil's fellow teacher getting a fever (that's all...) and in the next town too, 90% of the Bushibans (language cram schools) in Huwei are now closed for a week.

INCLUDING MINE!

Sure it's unpaid. Sure I don't care. Praise the lord I'm a happy camper now. Just as it's been hotting up too.

;-)

Also discovered the joys of Cuban jazz this week - from Beuna Vista Social Club through to the Afro Cuban All-Stars. Gotta get me a latin music teacher. Fantastic stuff...

So, last Wednesday, I was teaching S3 - quite a new class of twenty or so 8, 9 and 10 yr olds.

About halfway through my riveting explanation of family members via a hastily drawn family tree (or crooked bush to be truthful), I noticed that fat, rather dim, but very sweet Tim seemed to have developed itchy thigh disease. As he was sat against the back wall in the middle he was directly in my line of vision.

Unperturbed, I carried on until two minutes later. When casting another cursory glance his way, I realised that the itch he was scratching was less thigh-based and far higher up than first suspected. I stared a little more and my worrying assumption was proved correct. Under his desk, the little tyke was pulling his plonker out through the leg of his shorts for all he was worth.

The next two minutes consisted of me humiliating the boy in front of all his classmates by sticking my finger through my fly, waving it around and exclaiming 'My name's Tim!'. I don't think he'll traumatise me like that again.

My favorite t-shirt for a while... (excuse my US spelling - you should hear me say tomatoes!)

----------------------------------------------------

CO2 CO2

Wendy's fellow

I'm famous naughty boy in the world

What?

Don't you know that?

And, so...

I tell you... my
love ice cream

----------------------------------------------------

We’ve just had our first in-school SARS briefing. The reason? 5 (yes, count ‘em, 5!) cases have been ‘discovered’ in Yun Lin county, where we’re located. By ‘discovered’, this in fact means that 5 students from Taipei have been brought back to the nearest city to us (Toulio, pronounced Do-Lee-Oh) so they can be quarantined near their families, rather than up-country.

The key changes at school are outlined below. They are more important than teaching, we’re told, because (as my boss just put it) “protect life will be the first priority”.

* Disinfection of the entire school. Too right, it bloomin’ needs it!

* Everyone will have their temperature taken when they arrive – if it’s below 37.5C then they’re allowed in (I’m currently trying to think of ways to engineer a high temperature for prolonged periods of time for those days when I have 5 classes!)

* Everyone must wash their hands, pretty much all the time.

* The air conditioning throughout the school will be turned OFF (which should be really nice and improve the already noxious Taiwanese aroma no end). Shame, sorry, I’m being facetious, but it certainly will be sticky!

* We are allowed to wear medical masks if we so desire.

In a VERY Taiwanese turn of events, midway through our SARS briefing the boss’s voice was drowned out by a huge college parade going past the front door, consisting of a marching band and several hundred students chanting and wearing costumes ranging from transvestite nurses to Egyptian pryramids, insects and ancient warriors. I noticed there were no accompanying nuclear-strength firecrackers though (they must have had a run on)…

Well, thus far, I think 3 peope have died from this killer virus in Taiwan. That's 3 out of a total 26 million.

However, when Clare got the bus out of here, from downtown Huwei up North to the airport, they still gave her THREE medical masks and took her temperature!

I just hope the UK SARS scaries don't decide to quarantine me when I arrive back in July!

Oh, the latest product line was found yesterday on a box of herbal tea:

'Rose House - Sweet Dream'
A tropical tasted beverage that can help you
improve your silhouette!

More soon...

So, Clare left here yesterday, leaving me the only foreign 'teacher' at my school. That was strange even for just one day... looking over and seeing her empty desk. The Chinese teachers round about are going to get a full dose of my stupid, strangely ironical humour, lucky old them. Thus my schedule for the next month is also turning quite hellish (though I'm obviously staying positive plus it's more cash I guess).

It seems that the more press SARS receives the trickier this new appointment could be to come to fruition, which is a real shame. I'm just going to grin, bear it, try not to get too stressed, and in the meantime, maybe stop perspiring for just five minutes... unlikely really, as someone above has cranked the heat up these last two weeks. It's now at the stage where I lay in (well, on) bed, with the fan on, sweating. Still, this motivates you to go swimming in the cold long length pool lots so I'm getting fitter!

I'm trying to persuade student Cecilia to come to a nearby city on Saturday (I'd write it, but I can't remember the spelling!), to see the Delta Saxophone Quartet, a cutting edge UK ensemble who are over from England. Wish me luck... I really need a bit of giggage, it's been a while!

Will write more very shortly. The first of today's ten teaching hours is about to start.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ;-)

Ha! The slacker returns!

Today is my first official day off in 6 months (bar a couple when I was projectile vomiting, but you don't need to know any more about that do you?).

Thus I decided to take today off, do a little internet work that my 6-day weeks don't give me time to do, and generally download some chilled tunes and relax.

So, what's new in Taiwan? Well, everyone is stressing to death about SARS, despite the fact that as far as I can work out more people across the world have probably died this year from tripping over their own feet... (nearly did it myself last week thanks to a top-of-the-stairs, just-woken-up wobble).

Otherwise, school is moving along slowly. I'm currently debating whether after I return to Blighty in July for Nicky's wedding (as originally planned) I will or won't come back here.

Not because I'm desperately sad, hate Taiwan etc. (which I don't at all), just because I'll be debt-free and itching to plough more time into my own online ventures - not killing myself so that once a month each of my students can stare at me with a v.confused expression when I ask them - 'What is this/that? Come on, you know the answer... I just told you... What do you mean your name's Nail?' (that's true, one of the boys has just that moniker, the lucky pup).

Oh, I've just scanned a couple of great pics from the last group outing to Kenting two or three wks back, which are below.

I'll write more soon, I promise! Jess, hope your mouth is healing. I have similar dental adventures to come in the next couple of weeks.

This pic: everyone on the way home after a weekend of vodka, swimming and sun (not necessarily in that order). L-R Jackie (Clare's Taiwanese friend), Andrew (Todd's new English teacher flatmate), Phil, Todd, me, Clare, Nicky & Renee)...

Next pic: Todd the Flasher (featuring 'Impressed Nicky', 'Distraught Matt', 'Local Lunatic Phil').

Well, what gossip do I have?

Erm, tricky one.

Well, last weekend there was a national holiday on the Saturday so 7 of us borrowed one car, hired another, and went to Kenting to sit on the beach for two days.

We arrived about 3am Friday night / Saturday am, and then preceeded to drink until around lunchtime. Morning dancing in the sand - great fun. We were all on top form (pictures to follow folks!)

Oh, Phil and I bumped into two foreigners at the fruit shop - two blokes who've just arrived in Huwei - Joe an Englishman and a South African called Gareth.

As we have a spare room at our place (and will have 2 soon as Clare's leaving the country), we told them to stop staying in a hotel while their agent messes them about and move in with us (which they did yesterday). It's also Gareth's birthday, so on finishing this mail I'm going to purchase some of Taiwan's finest imported vodka and coke.

School is going, going, just going really. I had a demo lesson on Tuesday which was dull and in which at times I wanted to crawl into a hole, any hole, and just die really (an average Matt lesson then! - someone that knows...).

More soon... y'all email me now!

Remember a week or two back I told y'all about that Taiwanese engagement party I went to? Eunice, a teacher at school, is soon to be wed and had a big old do (i.e. lunch and karaoke) at her house...

Well, on the beautiful little piccie below, you can check out not only the size of my flourishing ears, but (from L-R), Michelle, who also works at school, Clare, Eunice herself, moi and the babe Eunice is determined to set me up with (called Vicky I think).

Hope that made a little sense. If not, well it's no great surprise is it?

in Huwei, Taiwan...

* to see sick children on drips and in wheelchairs careering down the middle of market street in a morning, with their mothers clinging onto the back, picking up fresh veg from local sellers as they pass...

* for locals to take a shower if they've been caught out in the rain. It's acidic you see, and your hair may fall out apparently (I'm risking it, cos I think I'd look very funny indeed with no hair)...

* for school, home, in fact everywhere to smell of wee. Drainage here is not that effective...

* for everyone to tell you to go to hospital should you catch a cold, or in fact sneeze more than once (if you know me then, you can imagine how some colleagues here think I'll be dead soon!)...

Another Iraq-related one, though not a funny.

The best resignation speech I've read. Outlines the reasons war's uncalled for, but leaves his bombshell for the very last line. Great, well done Mr.Cook...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/2859431.stm

... in Taiwan....

1 - to see an entire family of four (mum, dad, kids) on one scooter, the youngest kid being stood on the foot plate staring directly into it's parent's crotch.

In addition, Phil claims to have seen the same procession only with the driver also holding a small baby under one arm!

2 - to feel like an eejit for forgetting to put used loo roll in the bathroom bin rather than down the loo.

Not to get into too much detail, but I've been regularly forgettful and this week spent 20 quid's worth of NT dollars getting my toilet taken off, unblocked and reconcreted. Halfway through this work, my Taiwanese student Eddie (who'd helped me call a repairman) left a sign on my bathroom door reading thus: 'Be carefully Matt. No poo-ing'.

Fantastic stuff.

3 - to shout 'No Chinese!' in class at least 100 times a day...

(as copied down from a sugar sachet in a coffee shop)...

SUGAR

Forget not yet the tried entent
Of such a truth as I have meant ;
My great travail so gladly spent ,
Forget not yet !

Genius I thought...

Last Sunday Clare and I were invited to the engagement lunch bash of a very nice Chinese English teacher from school. A very eye opening affair.

Basically the small roadway at the side of her family's house was turned into a mini pavilion, filled with about 100 or so friends, family and, I'm sure, stragglers off the street looking for a free feed.

At one end of this tent her father compered some very dodgy and loud karaoke singing, complete with immense PA system, while at the other the catering staff cooked up some seafood creations in giant woks.

On arriving we were both welcomed into the teacher's bedroom (as, like many at the age of 26, she has always lived at home). This was unexpected, and we felt pretty priviledged. The strange thing with Taiwanese houses I find is that the lack of any carpet means (to me anyway) they lack a little cosiness. Having said that, I'm sure by mid-summer, the lack of carpet will seem a laughable issue to be pondering...

The teacher and her six girlfriends had been up since the early hours getting her ready in a resplendent red dress, wad of gold jewellery and fancy hair do. Her husband to be meanwhile (whom I must note, she's known for maybe three months) appeared in a rather smart suit and strangely enough, white gloves, rather like a younger and more professional-looking Chinese Paul Daniels.

Our teacher pal had insisted I go along so she could introduce me to her Taiwanese girl friend Vicky, who comes from the Southern city of Tainan. As it turned out, I hadn't even woken up enough to realise which girl she was until just as we were leaving, when she was pushed onto some photos me, Clare, and the teacher were posing for. Apparently I should consider meeting her in Tainan for the day, which I might well do out of pure nosiness really (and because getting the train there on my own makes me feel like a proper traveller!).

I'm purposely not talking about school right now, 'cos the little 'uns are driving me insane...

Wow, Monday again, how depressing!!

That was an excellent weekend. We've been in the sun, sat on a beach, swimming in the sea, snorkelling and eating copious amounts of food. Great.

After work on Saturday, Todd and I set off from Huwei at around 10pm in the dentist's huge 3-litre Nissan heading for Pindung, where we picked up Clare from meeting her Taiwanese friend (read: nutter) called Jackie. After a late night coffee and sandwich stop that lasted over an hour, we hit the road again for Kenting, a town on the Southern tip of Taiwan, next to a national park and quite a touristy destination.

Because it was around 4am when we finally arrived, we had little energy for putting up the 8-man tent we'd borrowed, so we just lay on the white sandy beach and pretended to sleep (I was happy just seeing stars and breathing fresh air to be honest).

We woke up to hear the sound of two voices we recognised coming from the tent next to us - an Ozzie and his Taiwanese girlfriend who live near Huwei and who we'd met a couple of times before. Later in the day we also ran into another S.African teacher from Huwei - I guess we all needed a break from the smog!

The next day was spent eating brekkie, being generally burnt by the sun, swimming in the sea and (a first for me) snorkelling around the coral at the side of the bay. That was great and I'd very much like to do it again, although I did experience a few Jaws-related seconds of serious panic as I stared away from the coral and out into the deep blue, convincing myself that I could soon become something's dinner.

Above: Kenting beach... nice huh?

There were lots of foreigners and backpacker bums (I mean that affectionately) kicking around Kenting, along with scuba shops and 'I've been to Hawai in this' camper vans.

There were also some Taiwanese on the beach. The Taiwanese approach to water-based fun takes some getting used to though. For instance:

* Forget how old you are. If a little wave comes chasing after you then run, whoop, holler, laugh and act as though it has NEVER happened before, and that includes just a minute before when you last whooped and hollered!

* Do not under any circumstances remove any item of clothing or get changed before entering the water. Firstly, you'll get exposed to the sun, thus losing that lusted-after white skin tone. Secondly, you'll also lose that drowned-rat look that your fellow countrymen expect from you after a day at the beach.

* Don't go any deeper than your waist or make any pretence at swimming. It's not the Taiwanese way. Remember, if you can drown in your bathtub, just think how dead the ocean could make you!

* If you are of student age (i.e. 18 upwards), concentrate on covering each other in sand. Alternatively, make a highly innovative sand castle which spells out the word SHIT and then show it to other beach dwellers as a serious source of pride.

I should go, as I've not planned any of today's 'lessons'. Pesky kids...

Below: Matt & Todd go/eat crackers...

Below: Clare, her Taiwanese mate Jackie and Todd, following a delicious feast in Kenting.

Phil had departed the previous night with local dog-killer Eddie for Sunday morning worship in Taichung.

Clare and Todd this morning set off in borrowed car for a small traditional town the name of which I instantly forgot.

Meanwhile, I listened to some new CDs, ate lunch, and then headed out into the ever-increasing heat with the aim of getting public transport to Tainan, 90 minutes south of Huwei.

As my student Cecilia visits her mother in Tainan each Sunday, I was assured a lift back to Huwei later that evening, so off I set, a packpack-sporting adventurer looking to learn. My plan whilst in Tainan? To buy some sheet music and sax cleaner (and who knows, maybe even more CDs?).

In highly typical fashion, the day's first real challenge led to my first premium botch. Although I wowed the cashier at the bus stop with my amazing Chinese by fluently requesting a ticket, I didn't request one to correct town, but instead ended up in the nearest city of Tou-lio.

After getting off the bus, I had a confusing few minutes trying to work out how to find anything resembling a city centre and indeed a train station. I was just in the process of resolving that if need be I'd lay down right there on the ground, sleep until the next morning, then try again when I felt more energetic, when some knowledgeable Yanks happened along and soon enough I was in the train station revising my ticket-buying technique!

Tainan, again, was great, with Cecilia playing the perfect Taiwanese host. She showed me the best shops (though no sax cleaner today), and bought me dinner - Japanese curry.

An interesting point to note: the Japanese curry houses in Taiwan apparently claim that their curry style comes from the UK. Now I guess the UK style of nosh comes in fact from Pakistan and India via the folks that moved to England a while back. So, I was eating a S.Asian / English / Japanese / Taiwanese authentic chicken curry. Balls to the origins anyway, it was mighty tasty.

So, I spent copious amounts of pennies on more CDs and decent winter clothes for my eventual return to the UK. This little spree took place in 'Mitsokoshi' - a huge Japanese department store with end-of-Winter-sales throughout. Think Rackhams, only bigger, cheaper, and with less snooty staff. Cecilia had seemingly spent just about every Sunday for the last ten years on its various floors honing the art of spending and feeling good about it, so I was far from lost.

Roll on next weekend. It's a national holiday here on Friday (Peace Day, which came about yrs ago when a big war ended. I'm not sure which one though, I'll try to find out...). This means we're all planning to do the usual Sunday domestic stuff & gubbins on Friday, then on Saturday after work Todd is kindly borrowing a car to drive us down to Kenting at the Southern-most tip of Taiwan. This means Saturday night spent camping on the beach and all day Sunday lounging around on the white sands and swimming in the sea. I absolutely can't wait!

I've touched on this subject before, but you really do have little chance of a sublime existence if you're an animal here.

Pet dogs in Huwei tend to simply lay in the sun outside their owner's shop all day, inches away from having their snouts flattened by speeding mopeds.

As for the stray dogs seen about, these seem much busier than British strays. Whereas your average unloved Mutt in England will wander around sniffing bins, stealing food and having various garden tools thrown at it by irate residents, strays here are rarely seen ambling around. They have things to do!

I've seen them, on a mission, making quick time, and with a determined glint in their eye. I think theirs in the best life.

Pet dogs, you see, can't even be guaranteed safety if they have a home. Take my student Eddie for instance (no, he's not a dog himself, bear with me...). When he was child and poor, his family one day ran out of food, and so he simply suffocated their hound with a plastic bag and everyone ate it for tea. Worse still, he recounts the tale as one of "the best experiences" of his life!

Sometimes I get scared...

Okay, some points I should have got round to writing a while back. My excuse is that net cafes, with their blaring Chinese pop and equally high-decibel online games, are not the best environment for serious concentration. Anyhoos...

1. Some Taiwanese folks are as friendly as your very favourite relative.

Case in point my student (i.e. married friend Cecilia). So sick was she of seeing me turning up each week with my distinctly feminine (and broken-strapped) Jordan's School bag, that last week she gave me a brand new (and rather funky) blue backpack.

Also, when I turn up for each 'lesson' (in which we simply gossip for an hour), she promptly feeds me 'til I'm fit to burst. Then, as is the Taiwanese way, she feeds me some more.

2. Students, well, nearly all kids who are young (i.e. not married), have absolutely NO LIFE, unless they manage to escape to University or run away from home (though I think the latter is unheard of).

By this I mean that they're at school in the morning and afternoon, followed often as not by some kind of cram school or extra tuition after that (be it English, Chinese, Japanese, Music, Maths, Over-Feeding Foreigners etc.). This just leaves Sunday for them to complete any unfinished homework, play computer games (which, quite frankly, is the strongest religion for the young here) and, as they constantly reitterate, sleep, sleep, sleep.

You can imagine the fun-packed stories by non-speaking Advanced Classes come out with then... ask them any question that you've tried to ensure they can't answer with 'Yes', 'No', or 'So-so', and they'll usually find a way to turn the answer into something sleep related (i.e. usually "sleep" - subtext: "bugger the sentence patterns we're supposed to use, i'm too tired for this. "Sleep", that's all you're getting, get used to it").

Even my Taiwanese colleagues are stuck without social lives. At our New Year's dinner, we went to a Japanese restaurant. One of the Chinese teachers, a lovely girl we'll call erm, Sam, here, is about 26 or 27. At 9pm her father rang her up demanding to know when she'd be back (we'd only arrived, an hour's drive from Huwei, at 8!).

I am feeling mighty glad to be a Westerner on this one, though if you've never had wider freedom, do you miss it? (sorry, that was alll a little Carrie Bradshaw-esque wasn't it?).

3. I turn into (even more of a) freak during Aural Tests.

Most of my classes get tested every 8 or 9 lessons or so. This process involves a class written test, some group listening exercises, and a 5-minute aural test 1-to-1 with yours truly, which I conduct while the written test is going on in the next room.

Sometimes these tests are great as I get to monitor students' progress and feel like I've achieved something, though sometimes it's quite the opposite feeling. Like when the supposedly intermediate-level student enters the room and I ask them 'How are you?' as they're taking their seat. When I hear the response 'My name is John', I know it's going to be a long day.

However, that's not the freaky part! The few seconds between one student leaving the class and the next entering, THAT's when the madness commences.

I'm afraid I don't seem capable of keeping it together enough to just sit their waiting, quiet and teacher-like. Instead I start manicly drumming inanimate objects and singing (by that I mean wailing) impromptu songs about my students' lack of progress - along the lines of "You're so dense it's unbelievable" or "kill me now, you don't know **** you!".

That or I'll choose to murder Craig McClaughlan and Check 1-2's single British hit 'Mona' - you know the one - "Tell you Mona what I'm gonna do... dum, dee-dum, dee-dum... DUM DUM ... HEEEEEYYYY Mona!! Ooooohhhh, Mona.").

Crazy I tell you. Still, I'm getting a bit of a tan out here. How for now.

.....[Matt you make me HOOT sometimes. =) ]

At long last, I can relate to Jess's Mosquito Blues. Over the last week or two, the little blighters have found a new reason for living, namely covering me in various-sized lumps and bumps.

My Taiwanese pal Eddy reckons it's because I'm so healthy, I must have God-like blood in a Mosquito's eyes. I think he's a nutter.

Otherwise, New Year seems like months ago. We're back into school with a vengeance (though I did actually do an activity with an advanced class that, wait for it, seemed to work and actually had them speaking (a little) English!). I nearly fell off my chair with shock.

The future of EFL teaching I am not...

Man-o-man, they give you receipts with EVERYTHING here! And they make a point of you taking them...

Buy a coffee? Must have a receipt. Buy a newspaper? Must have a receipt.

Pray tell oh Taiwanese shopkeeper, is it really necessary? Are the chances of me returning to your shop to complain about the lacklustre news so great that it's worth my while clogging up my bike's basket with 7-11 paper strips?

Buy a penny chew? Must have a receipt... ad infinitum...

Rant over. Good day to you all!

So, I think the weather's turning. It's now been sunny each day for around a week, and the humidity is seriously on the rise. ..

So, from here on in I think this place is going to resemble a pressure cooker. Still, if it's so hot, at least I should feel like eating less and may get back to my fighting weight rather than pigging out on coffee and biccies!

Have just got back to Huwei after three days in the capital, Taipei. Because of it being Chinese New Year, Taipei was (I'm told) relatively quiet. Still busy though, and very, very big. My best description: like a cross between New York and London, though cleaner, much safer and a little better organised (bar Taiwanese driving that is...)

It's a very international city in which me and Phil managed to spend plenty of Taiwanese dollars on yet more CDs, essential clothes and extortionately-priced beer. Met all kinds of weird and wonderful people, from bizarre locals and helpful TEFL teachers, to French Canadians recording their first album. The number of wannabe rock idols we met in one weekend was indeed quite scary.

So, thankfully, we ate some great Western tucker, whizzed around nearly all the city on the MRT (subway) and were glad to be out of Hu-wei for a while.

We weren't totally without culture either. Well, kind of...

We'd initially planned on spending a day or so at the National Palace Museum, which houses the biggest collection of Ancient Chinese, erm, stuff, in the world (including within China itself).

Once we'd escaped our terribly-directed taxi and found the place (a huge palacial pad cut into the bottom of the mountains on the edge of town), we entered the foyer, paid our 100NT dollars each (just under two British pounds), grabbed a brochure and read up on the treasures housed within.

You can guess the excitement to come I'm sure... eight floors of old pots and pictures of places we'd probably never see. Phil, who knows me pretty well by now, saw my eyes glaze over, partly in bored anticipation, and partly through bewilderment at what I sometimes convince myself I'll enjoy, knowing full well I have zero appreciation of, or interest in, history. (If you're thinking "Philistine!" at this point, you'd be right...)

So, half an hour later, after getting lost numerous times trying to find the coffee shop on the roof, we sat down to mews over our findings (namely that the coffee shop existed in a parallel universe to the tea shop, which was MUCH too swuave for our kind, albeit easier to track down).

With some luck, there should be some riveting piccies to accompany this entry soon - think images of me eating an orange and yawning on the steps of the Museum.

All in all though, we loved Taipei. Sadly, the jazz club was closed for New Year (quite a few places were), but I'll be back there soon enough.

Hope you're feeling a little chirpier now Jess. Did the red-shoe'd wonder manage to cheer you up?

.........[No man! The red shoes were mine!! A boyfriend
.........of mine in red shoes? Are you kidding? =) ]

No, in case you're wondering, I've not been drinking solid for two weeks. Just last night, though it feels like longer, judging by the state of my head today.

So, apologies for the huge delay in writing. Now, where do I start? First, I guess, we should go to school...

The first of this month's two 'demo' lessons went off without any serious problems last Tuesday. Well, I mean, I did refill the whiteboard markers with the wrong ink, which meant the boss's wife putting the demo on hold to get busy cleaning said wall, but aside from that if was okay - the one potentially worrying psycho kid was very well behaved (his mum was there so he behaved... maybe she's a bigger psycho than him?).

My next demo, which I know for a fact will be bad, bad, bad, is this Tuesday evening, so think of me around 11am GMT and picture the chaos of 15 7-year olds trying to remember their lines to The Ugly Duckling and me in the middle of it all, grinning inanely to keep up the 'nothing fazes me' teacher image.

Otherwise, I've not done much the last three weekends as I've had so much work on. On the new friends front though, we've met two great South African girls - Renee and Nicky. Renee's 22 and just finished Uni,. She's pretty wise beyond her years, and speaks Afrikaans and English. Nicky is, i think, 28, an ex-music student and (when at home) a piano and art teacher. She studied classical music initially, then jazz, so we've been rambling on about that plenty.

Last night was the first time Phil and I had properly spent some time with these two, as we went round to check out their apartment, which their school supplies. This 'checking out' is really code language for lots of beer, straight vodka (ouch, I really detest that stuff), some impromptu dancing lessons and a new game called 'let's teach Matt some Afrikaans and laugh at his dodgy accent!'.

The few words and phrases I can now speak in Afrikans are sadly untranslatable here (i.e. I'm unwilling to offend you by telling you the bad things I learnt), so I'm learning a little of two languages now from different continents!

After the dancing and teaching, it turned into one of those unexpectedly deep conversational evenings, which ended with Phil and I making it home at around 5.45am (suffice it to say, he missed church!).

Oh, and the plan is, we're going to borrow a guitar, maybe a cymbal or two, and set-up a busking band to stand on Huwei main street and traumatise the locals (or maybe this was a vodka-induced idea, I'm not sure)...

I'm quite sure my next update will be soon, so hold onto your hats and I'll be back. In the meanwhile, I have to go pick up my washing.

Matt

PS: I've noticed some products here that strike me as very useful (in a 'why don't we have THAT at home?' kind of way). If anyone knows whether these are available at home or not, please EMAIL ME - matwade76@hotmail.com

* 24-hour kettle type thing (technical, aren't I?). This is basically a big water container that you fill in the morning, leave plugged in and it keeps the water at 95C all day. No more 'putting the kettle on', just push the button on top and top up.

* LED light switches - when they're turned off, a small led (various colours) lights up, meaning no more fumbling around in the dark trying to turn the lights on. Ingenious.

Just a quickie to say I am still alive. I've just got no time to update, though I'll probably get to ramble on for a few pages later this week. Hi to all.

On New Year's Day, Phil and I ventured up early and set off with pupil/friend Cecilia and her husband to Tainan, which is a city in the Southern half of Taiwan, and the centre of old cultural Taiwan.

We spent a very nice, long, and exhausting sunny day looking at Tao and Confusian temples and old navy forts that were used to protect Taiwan when it was ruled by the Portugese, in the 17th century I think. These two forts were actually a little inland as parts of Western Taiwan around Tainan have been reclaimed from the sea, Netherlands-style.

Cecilia really made the day special, as without her self-depreciating tour guide narrative, we'd just have been two confused blokes wandering around some old bits and pieces.

As is the custom here, we didn't pay for anything all day. We were taken to an almost Western style restaurant made completely out of driftwood (there's a chain of these places around the island), while the chain's founder was interviewed by a famous Taiwanese TV presenter near where we sat.

So, a shedload of tasty pork, beef, weak soup, rice, fish and all sorts. Followed by an afternoon of playing kid's shooting games in the market, more temples, then after hitting a huge CD shop and stocking up on British (yup!) magazines, we took Cecilia's son Pepe (sorry yes, he'd been with us since the morning as he lives with Cecilia's mum in Tainan), back home.

There Cecilia fed us all manner of further tasty nosh, literally until we couldn't stand up. I can't begin to describe it all, but there were 4 dishes and I finished the lot (followed by green tea, cookies, fruit and chocolate).

Since then, I've actually done a bit of exercise and also had a demo lesson yesterday with my most advanced class, which was none-too-amazing but still pretty interesting (in that it's now over!).

Gotta go, running out of net cafe cash!

Due to general exhaustion and a distinct air of apathy, I'd not planned anything until 10pm on New Year's Eve.

In that sense, it was quite similar to a NYE spent with Jess, in 1998 I think, but this one didn't end with me getting thrown out of possibly the roughest pub in Birmingham and getting very messy indeed on the crawl home.

By 10pm then, Clare and Todd had already set-off for Jaili (pronounced Jai-ee) for a Western type pub, so me and Phil squeezed onto a scooter and set-off for the nearest big town called Doulio (as Paul the dentist had shown us TV pictures of an outdoor event going on there).

There were a few thousand people milling around, lots of food stalls, a dire Taiwanese Cliff Richards wannabe wailing away on stage, although not any obvious drunkenness or fever-pitch excitement.

Due to the climate change over the last week or two, we saw in the New Year dressed in sweaters and jackets, overlooking the crowd and the stage, coffee in hand, rather feeling like flies on the wall and not really there at all.

There was a countdown, a short cheer, a few firewords, and then people started wandering off. All quite bizarre really - no drunken hugging / smooching / passing out and no extreme partying of any kind really. Still, at least no-one we noticed got attacked eh?

I'll write more about New Year's Day shortly - a very interesting day trip - culture and everything!

Well, that was a very interesting Saturday night!

After a very hard week of feeling festive (for about 10 minutes) and working our respective socks off, me and Phil decided at around 10pm on Saturday that we should head out for a quick can of beer and a game of pool.

Well, the many pool tables were busy, so we were invited to play two local lads called Diwan and Ben. Their English was marginally better than our Chinese, but as is the Taiwanese way, they insisted on paying for everything (i.e. lots of beer). An hour later their friends turned up and we all drove across town in a Honda full of bass bins and techno CDs to a new Radio Bar that played Western tunes! (I've never been so glad to hear Bon-blumming-Jovi!).

Cue lots more beer drinking ("GAMBAY!" or down in one competitions) and a seemingly ever-increasing group of hangers-on. By these point me and Phil were approaching sozzledom at some speed, so we figured it a good idea to arrange a plan for after the Radio Bar, comprising the English theme pub near our apartment and a bit of karaoke singing (I know, I'm embarassed typing this, believe me).

Once our new friends heard this plan, the venue changed to a local KTV joint. KTV (or Karaoke Television) places feature seperate rooms for each group of friends, complete with karaoke set-up, big screen, surround sound etc. And, the rumour seems to be, that many of the bigger KTV places are Mafia hangouts (Yank friend Todd has some experience of this thanks to one dodgy friend).

This place was a little KTV though and seemed okay (i.e. it was open), so in we all piled. Our friend Ben seemed to be getting shouted at in the corridor while he was trying to pay for us all. The next thing we know a very angry Taiwanese man in red top was laying into Ben with some real venom, as were his friends. This went on for a couple more minutes, with Diwan and newly arrived friend Nada trying to help Ben and getting punched in the process.

Luckily, me and Phil were in 'sensible/coward' mode though it was hairy just watching once Ben was a bleeding heap on the floor and his attackers were still trying to break him into little pieces. At this point Phil decided to make a break for our KTV room and get out of the way. He motioned for me to follow (though I was well rooted to the spot by now), and as he tried to slope past the angry mob the red-topped numpty decided to take a swing or two at the foreigner. Phil now has a great black eye to scare his kids with.

Anyhoos, after the ambulance and the fuzz had been and gone, we were told not to worry about anything, more beer was drunk, and I helped the group forget their woes with a screaching version of Loveshack, followed by a more tempered and dare I say it, almost in tune, version of Nowhere Man by the Beatles.

What time I left the place and how I got home, I don't know. How I felt on waking up the next afternoon I certainly do know and it features the letters R-O-U-G-H!

Hi everyone.

Christmas lunchtime and I'm just heading to school. I hope everyone's hangovers aren't too bad and you all have a great day!

Update: our Xmas meal last Saturday gave 3 teachers (including Clare) pretty bad food poisoning. How festive... as I just drank beer at the meal, I'm feeling okay.

I got in last night after work and a private lesson and the four of us Western folk watched Meet Joe Black (a tedious Brad Pitt slushfest of a film), then Todd, Phil and I decided to grab a bite to eat, which turned into a quick beer, which turned into visiting the dentist Paul (at around midnight this is), drinking Scotch and Dramboui, followed by peanuts and beer at a 24-hour pool hall. Thus I feel a little delicate today.

Only 8 hours and three lessons to go and we're off to a night cafe/diner place in Jie-ee (that's how it sounds anyway) - about an hour's drive away thanks to the dentist. This evening will probably involve more tasty snacks, more beer and many games of Mallet's Mallet (I bought Phil an inflatable hammer to help him with his English and amuse us all - an inspired choice I thought).

Opened some great presents from my folks and friends today - some LUVVERLY decorations, a real metal kazoo, a reindeer key ring that dumps chocolate poo (that's the kids' prize today then!) and all manner of other little amusements, including a fantastic funk CD and more. Thanks to everyone who sent things. They really did help this morning feel more festive and every single present was very well chosen indeed.

Must plough on for now. Here's to the end of this hangover and the creation of the next.

Merry Christmas!

The situation with the ladies here is that, firstly the language issue is a little troublesome. Now, this isn't an insurmountable problem, as most young women speak a little English, but not to the point where you could have deep and meaningfuls day and night.

As for my Mandarin Chinese, if svelte Oriental beauties are drawn to fizzing flings based around (slow) discussions of the numbers 1 to 10 and how badly I want to buy a chicken, then I'm destined for stud-dom. If not, my Mum needn't worry about buying a new hat on my account.

People are conversative here. If I did find myself with a girlfriend, the chances are their parents would start talking about marriage pretty quickly. This is my first impression anyway. Scary huh? There's no need for all that methinx.

Yours in everlasting celibacy,

Matt.

Let me be honest for a moment. I really, really don't know if I'll stay here at this school for a year. Right now (well, some days), that just seems like a lifetime.

I appreciate that I've done two months already (yada-yada-yada), but after this amount of time, 6-day weeks of non-stop hassle, general exhaustion and plenty of forthcoming 'demo' lessons are all taking their toll.

Before setting off, what I said to myself was - you speak English, you know English, so the fun will be in trying to find creative ways to present and teach it.

Whereas in reality (and I know I'm merely emphasising my own ignorance here) half the effort goes on getting the students to notice you're trying to teach them and ignore the Chinese-speaking classroom 'assistant', the rest on just ploughing through the sometimes innapropriate 'syllabus'. And due to our desks being on display in the lobby and surrounded by mayhem 8 hours a day, I'm just too exhausted (and deaf) to think, never mind be creative.

Because 'Bushibans', or language cram schools, are profit centres and little else (or certainly this one is), if a kid's mum (like in yesterday's class) sends their offspring to this school as a kind of babysitting service and doesn't care whether they bring their work and books, or indeed learn, then why should the boss of the school keep them down a level or threaten to chuck them out when there's dollars to be earned? In the meantime, the dynamic of the class goes to pot (particularly when the kid's as crazily demented as yesterday's boy) and less learning's done in general.

My contract is set-up thus: if I leave before the year's end, I lose a month's salary (well, my contract actually reads 'an amount dependant upon the problem to the school'). Whereas, of course, they can sack me any time they like. The Taiwanese employer's way, or Alan's at least, seems to be with a smile but also an assumed knowledge on my part that any change to their plan will cost me. Lots of business dealings are based on favours in a Mafia-style from what I've learnt / read so far.

At the same time, I'm thinking maybe I should give myself a date (i.e. on a payday) to decide by, then if I've decided it's this job or my mental health, I'd give my notice and keep enough cash from that pay to cover everything over the next month including costs of changing return flights etc (not expecting to keep any cash from the pay I get on my last day)...

I hate this idea financially and would, much to my annoyance, see it as some kind of failing, but at the same time I don't like waking up depressed, looking at pictures of family and friends and wanting to just bawl into my porridge (this is some days, not all, but it still freaks me out, and yes... I bought porridge).

I want to pay off my debts and at least leave Taiwan debt-free. On the other hand, maybe I should look at other positions in Taiwan that don't involve being in school outside lessons and pay a little more, then that might make it better generally and worth leaving this school for.

Don't know. Maybe I'll have a tip-top day today and it'll all seem rosy. It's that kind of uncertainty that's bewildering though

I'm sure these present woes are also being compounded by what Jess is feeling - it's Christmas and although there's plenty of Christmas activity here, it's only with a 100% commercial slant and it's not like we get Xmas day off work or anything. That and not being able to get trashed with close friends on Christmas Eve is v.strange.

Having said that, we had our school Xmas party yesterday (i.e. normal 9-5pm Saturday work day, then 6 hours of Chinese screamed through loudspeakers and us wandering around the pitch black grounds of the local elementary school to make sure no kids got stolen while they did a treasure hunt).

All the teachers had to get garbed up in fancy dress for this event, so in a highly cynical if somewhat lazy bid to win one of the three money prizes on offer, I: borrowed a suit, bought a dirt cheap scarf, stole a very authentic looking broomstick from our basement, popped the lenses out of some cheap shades, and called myself Harry Potter - thus tapping into a great many kids' current obsession and securing third prize (twenty quid) in the meantime. Hoorah.

Rambling entry this one, and morbid, so sorry about that. I didn't wanna post it initially, but then I thought the 'warts and all' approach would be maybe more interesting...

Wow, here goes...

Dental stuff: face swelled up after second cleaning on Friday/Saturday, went back and had some horrid stuff removed from under gum, more cleaning today, final bit due Tuesday... Oh, and in keeping with my renewed obsession with all things hygenic, bought new electric toothbrush, mountains of floss etc. etc.

School: couple of dire and very frustrating classes at the end of this week (my lack of patience became very obvious. If nothing else, I'm learning that I really am sure of wanting to keep more dogs in the future and not children!), then a couple of better classes, but severe headache from having a desk surrounded by kids for 8 hours a day. No other language schools in Huwei expect that and it's v.tiring to say the least (woe is me etc.).

Saturday night: went with new dentist friend Paul, Todd (Yankie boy) and Philip (cool new housemate) to a Taiwanese auction in a warehouse about 40km away. Lots of tat (and I MEAN tat!) for sale, lots of Bettlenut-chewing/spitting locals and just three of us weirdo foreigners. Very interesting, I felt like Michael Palin or something. I learnt bits of Chinese, got given tons of free food, and learnt some essential Taiwanese phrases (like 'big schlong' for instance!), but very tired due to early Saturday start at school.

Today (Sunday) - back to dentists for more work (not too much pain, more Chinese taught by dentist, Paul, he really is a great guy. Then took Philip to Taichung City to try and find footie-playing foreigners. Due to unannounced cold weather, that didn't happen, so we wandered around, laid in the park, found some school kids to confuse with our attempted Chinese. They then helped us get a bus (free!) across the city to the bus station and the bus home, at which point we also bumped into my student Eddie who told us all kinds of dodgy 'cultural' (i.e. laddish) information I simply can't publish here and then bought us fried chicken and sweet potatoes.

Bizarre, like I said. Laters.

Well, in a most bizarre turn of events, it's been a dental kind of week.

On Monday I started getting real pain from a tooth I should have had sorted before I arrived in Taiwan. Todd kindly introduced me to his dentist friend (don't know his name), a middle aged guy with atrocious teeth, worse hair, a big grin and a pretty fair command of English (very good in fact).

I'd been told that, what with my medical insurance card, each visit or treatment costs around 100 NT dollars (about two British pounds), so I wasn't as worried about the cost as normal.

My first treatment was yesterday. Because I was very obviously terrified and a friend of Todd's, the dentist insited I didn't pay him anything, instead he gave me a rather strange crystal buddha ornament thing as a Christmas gift. So, he drilled a hole to let some air pressure out or something (surprisingly there was no excrutiating pain) and said come back tomorrow.

Later that evening, having been paid by my private student, I called Todd and suggested he show me the hot-pot place he'd been telling me about... and who should be there but Mr. Dentist... who plied us with under-the-counter Scotch, extra squid and fairy cakes (inspiring dentist huh?) and then insisted on paying for the whole meal.

Went back earlier today for some root cleaning (no pain, again, I'm still in shock), then more of the same due Sunday plus refilling, and hopefully he'll let me pay him something then! British dentists take note... your customer service skills could be better!

Well, after an internet-free few days, I returneth!

Things are going okay at this end. I've not been in the net cafe for a few days, so that's my absence explained (it's SO smokey and loud in there, it's really quite unhealthy).

Okay then, school has been better. I've taken to planning each day's lessons the evening before (or when I get the chance, at school), which has given me every morning free and therefore helped me feel like I'm not just doing schoolwork ALL the time! Very good news that... my lesson planning is actually getting a little faster too (as I very slowly get to know and remember classes / pupils etc.). I've even taught the same lesson twice, which saves tons of planning time.

I have a couple of parent-demonstration-type-lessons soon though, so I'm sure they'll be pretty hairy (considering the kids I have to pretend to teach and junior psychos). Should get easier after the first couple I guess... (the second one of these is on Boxing Day... eugh... so think of me when you're stuffing Turkey and Spuds down yer necks!).

Outside of school, I've been to the rice fields by the river to practice music, played some tennis, done some swimming, eaten a lot of garbage, and just mooched about. I had a bike-related nightmare and lost my house/garage/apartment block keys this week, but a few dollars and days later and friend Todd found the keys at the pool and my bike is fixed, for now...

Let's see, what else. This morning I was woken up at 6.30am by the local temple banging all manner of tin-pot drummery which went on for a good (?) , complete with accompanying firecrackers. Still, at least there weren't jets accompanying the havoc today...

This really is the noisest place I've ever lived (and that includes a Birmingham house full of would-be Techno DJs with hearing problems). No time is too late or early for ear piercing din in Taiwan, unless it's coming from my instrument of course. They just have no appreciation of badly performed scales here!

*mind's gone blank, hang on...*

Oh, Lizanne, my S.African flatmate, moves out tomorrow and her replacement turned up yesterday. Also from S.Africa, his name's Phillip and he seems very chilled and a good lauch - about 29 I think, an ex-markere/banker, looking for a change in life etc. etc.

I've picked up my second private English student too. My first is a piano teacher called Cecilia by the way. She's great. She's 31-ish and she pays me to chinwag with her for an hour a week. Last week we watched a DVD called Swinging Bach and often-as-not she educates me, on Taiwanese life, customs, language and classical CDs I should record.

Anyway, the new guy is called Jung Eddie (that's my spelling). He's signed up for 3 one-hour lessons a week, so Clare and I are dividing those up. He's about 30, very camp and nervous but very enthusiastic (he's already brought me drinks and Chinese honey). All very bizarre. The money from these lessons will cover each week's food and stuff though, so it's good news on the repayment-of-debt front.

God, you must be bored of reading this tripe by now.

Thought of the week: I heard a story from Todd about a Yorkshireman who swore like a trooper when a digging machine he was using broke down.

Prepare to be offended but also impressed with his grammatical accuracy:

"The f***ing fu**er's f**king fu**ed!".

You can't fault his sentence construction can you? Suffice to say, I stole his phrase when my bike's chain snapped for the fourth time in one day earlier this week!

How for now,

Matt.

Two more sayings that I saw on students' clothes:

* Pros and Cons of What

And, my fave so far...

* I don't believe in sexuality at all. People are not sexy. They are monsters.

Location: coffee shop, Taichung City, Central Taiwan

Sign read:

Coffee & cafe: there's really no need for bush!

I am not making this stuff up.

... which means that the great new product catchphrases I spied in Taichung yesterday can't be uploaded yet. Bear with me though, 'cos there's a coffee shop one that's still making me giggle.

Yesterday, yup, we visitied Taichung (Taiwan's 2nd biggest city). The risk-of-getting-lost factor rose by about 10 going somewhere that big... I'm just glad I wasn't on my own... It's a huge place and, I was glad to discover, includes a park in which shedloads of Westerners get together at the weekend for a game of footie (that's my next few Sundays sorted then).

On mooching through Taichung, we came across the Taichung Pet Exchange. Sounds strange? It was. A few cages in the city centre containing puppies, cats, rabbits etc. People, it seems, just swap pets when they don't want their own particular beast any more, or maybe they just fancy a newer model. Really weird. As Clare put it, if she was going to be reincarnated as a dog, she'd prefer it to be in England thanks - the owners here just have no loyalty!

On the food front (my fave hobby at the moment), I've discovered Papayas. Long, cyclindrical green things that should be, I think, slightly squidgy to the touch. You slice 'em down the middle, scoop out the pips and get busy in a Melon-eating-stylee. They smell like musty poo but they taste just so.

On the school front, blimey it's Monday again... these one-day weekends are gone in the blink of a sleepy eye.

The little kids were better today (i.e. I was better planned and had more activities and games to throw at them). However, another class on Thursdays who are actually older are v.tricky. There are about 22 kids in the group, about half of them little irksome oiks, and in 3 weeks we've all got to do a DEMO lesson, which is where their parents come to watch an exhibition lesson and marvel at how badly their new teacher is performing. Should be all kinds of fun, I can't wait (ha-ha!).

I get paid in 5 days and have now, I think, exhausted all money lending opportunities. I could spend SO much money on clothes here... although I'm glad I'm male on that front (otherwise, frilly girlie kitch creations seem to be the only possible option).

That's if for now folks, but when my phone is up and alive you can expect some great promo-speak, Taiwan-style!

Fab tag line for a product eh? I'm on the lookout for more still...

Well, I've been so busy I've not had a moment to log on, but now I've discovered the cheapest net cafe in the world (10 NT dollars, or around 20p for half an hour), my entries should get a little more regular...

School is good and bad and all things inbetween. I keep telling myself (and my boss supports me in this notion) that I've only been faking this profession for two weeks so I can't expect miracles. Well my youngest class are certainly not reacting like I'm creating miracles, but some of the older classes are going okay (I think one group actually likes me, and that's after an impromptu spelling test!).

As for the young 'uns, they still seem to be expecting Aileen (their very talented previous teacher) to reappear and blow me up on the spot and as such are being very testy (I think the word is EVIL!). So, as of Friday no nonsense will be tolerated I'm afraid. Big mean teacher Matt has arrived (though only when absolutely necessary, I'd rather have a giggle tha knows!).

What else can I tell y'all then? (sorry, slipped into redneck speak there, won't happen again...). Well Sunday was a nice day... myself, Claire and Todd cycled out of town for an hour to a big Buddha temple (in the shape of a Buddha no less) in the sun, though coming back was against the wind all the way, so that was heavy going.

As for mountain biking potential here, the West plain of Taiwan (i.e. where I live) is just that, plain. It has never SEEN a slope! It would take I think 2 or 3 hours, I think, to get to the foot of the mountains by bike. If I could track down an English guide to what tracks are rideable, maybe I'd risk it, but then I don't have the bike for it (I might dent my basket and then where would I be?). When I think of a way around said problems I'll be back dribbling on about it though...

As for other pastimes, it seems you can't skydive in Taiwan. I'm not sure whether it's legal or not (I've even emailed aeronautical people in the capital Taipei to double check). Bummer. It's weird for a Brit like me to think there are still so many countries where it's illegal (the editor of US magazine Skydive told me as much in another email... you see I have been busy!).

Otherwise, Lizanne my S.African flatmate is leaving at the end of the month, though her replacement at work (a 27-yr old chap from the same place called Phillip) may yet move in to ease the rent burden (ha! As if! 80 squid a month!).

Claire has had her hair chopped, I'm intending to get a bit of length into mine and go ragtag moppish (nice!), and I'm getting fit again (jumping rope, lots of swimming in a huge new pool that very few people use, complete with sauna, steam room, hot tubs, herbal tubs etc. etc.) and I'm even cooking at home (ah, pasta!).

Isn't it funny - how when you sit in front of a webpage that needs updating your mind goes as Blanc as a French chef.

Guess that's it for now. More soon. Roll on Sunday!

Well, it's been a while, but what a week!

Similar to my initial journey to Taiwan, I've been through the entire range of emotions this week, from moments of "Oh my god, what AM I doing?" to mad laughter, total sweaty exhaustion, and deranged dancing in front of 22 seven-year-olds (just picture it and then up the embarrassment factor by 10 - that's what I'm talking about!).

The lesson planning has been taking an age due to my not knowing where some books / flashcards / props are etc. And some of the lessons have, erm, run a little short at times, but hopefully this next week should be better. After all, if it went perfectly straight away, how boring would that be?

I am already getting an idea of the kids' personalities, ranging from attention-seeking egomaniacs to cute quiet ones and strange little chaps who talk in squeaks and shake their booties at every opportunity...

So... wish me luck this next week... and now, onto Taiwan in general...

The food still rocks (baked and/or fried squid - pretty tasty)... soup flavoured by pigs' trotters, ragged bits of tofu, much too much nice tucker to mention...

Today I blagged a lift on Lizanne's scooter up to the foot of the central Taiwanese mountains. It was very Dumb and Dumber what with me on the back, the road getting steeper and steeper, and our speed plunging down to around one metre an hour (ish). The mountains were great though - actual fresh air (no pollution, so we could take our pollution masks off!), lush rainforest-type vegetation, and little hamlets of locals in the middle of nowhere processing bettlenuts. I just looked and breathed, and breathed a little more...

On the way back we drove to a huge supermarket - A T Mart - very cheap you know, and the food... jeez, I could've spent, erm, five pounds or something! We also passed through Doulio, the capital of Yun-Lin County and then back to Hu-Wei (home) via the freeway. At the side of the freeway there are some real interesting sights - the most bizarre being underwear-dressed hookers in little glass fronted cabins (complete with red flashing lights on top) smoking away and looking generally unimpressed with their chosen lifestyle.

Another great thing I've noticed... cheesy (and often terribly written) English phrases written on a great many Taiwanese products. I've started writing these down as they're just great. Here are two for starters...

1. OOlong Tea - for better tomorrow, YES!

2. If you like my clothes, you are buying a piece of me!
(written on the back of a Tai lad's nylon bomber jacket!)

Anyways... more soon. Hi Jess!

Things here are going fine. Let's see - I have loads to dribble on aboot...

I've been observing Aileen's classes for 3 or 4 days now (still today, tomorrow and Saturday to go), but not just sat there - I've been wandering round each class and outside them too helping kids with homework, marking bits of stuff, listening to 'em read, joining in with mental dances and stuff like that. Hopefully next Monday and Tuesday (before Aileen leaves) I'll do bits of classes to kind of ease me in. In the meantime, I'm struggling away drawing a picture card of a panda (you don't do that working at Bradford Council!)

I met an American teacher friend of the flat's the other night, called Todd, who, get this (most happy) plays piano, studied music at college and is a bit of a jazzhead. Precisely the kind of person I wanted to meet from a sax playing point of view. I'd only just met him, but I think we bored everyone else stupid talking about John Coltrane and Herbie Hancocks

It struck me last night how inappropriate all my clothes are. I've bought some kind of techie sandal type things (which you have to take off whenever you enter a house or school), so my feet aren't stinking for the first time in years! Need lighter troosers and short things though. It's cooling down here as Winter approahces but it's still 25/26 C most of the day (much hotter in the morning though). The air quality is total shite too so might get pollution mask for cycling round (50% of people here use them when riding their scooters around). No earthquakes as yet, but looking forward to that. Luckily, don't get any insects or things buzzing around the flat, cos it's so high up and Taiwanese insects aren't seemingly that strong/adventurous.

Went swimming yesterday to new local pool (fake palm trees, hot tubs, saunas, steam rooms, plus hot tubs with special chinese herb remedy stuff in). Have to wear an oh-so-trendy swimming cap though, nice!

I'm sure there's more to say, but gotta go finish that panda.

One and a half days after I set off (inc. time changes) and I'm ready for sleep.

I think I've experience the whole range of emotions since 2.30pm on Thursday... before that in fact. I said bye to Mum Thursday morning as she was working, though we had to make it a quick goodbye or else we'd still be hugging now!

Then, after a frantic yet bizarrely slo-mo morning of getting extra passport pics done and filling in 'Pay your National Insurance from overseas' forms, Suzy and Dad took me to the airport and hung around with me for a couple of hours. That goodbye session was equally depressing...

Spent the flight to Heathrown trying to hide sobs from the businessman next to me (he was in Product Development by the way, and seemingly very frustrated by "how many of these damn projects just can't crawl past the concept stage").

Heathrow was mad, I've not been there before. A city full of people, bags & boarding tags. Rang every landline on my mobile phone (free after 7pm you see) to pass the time. Finally boarded the jumbo and found myself sat next to a middle-aged Taiwanese woman who took an instant dislike to me (it was the foot on her chair thing when I let someone past to sit down methinx). She made her frustration felt for the next 12 hours through some innovative use of her razor-sharp left elbow. Very kind, very creative.

Felt like time had stood still several times on that flight. Copious amounts of chicken and noodles consumed. Off plane and on again at Bangkok. Found myself queuing next to some British muso types (going to Taiwan to do workshops and concerts). Classical types, you know the sort - out of date clothing, floppy hair, wire framed glasses. However, I was too jetlagged and uninspired to get into the conversation so I made do with extracting a one-word deadpan grunt from an Aussie backpacker who looked at me in a "you're Care in the Community aren't you?" kind of way for gibbering on about having lost my boarding card.

On touching down in Taipei (capital city of Taiwan), it turned out that Superstar DJ Paul Oakenfold had been on the flight. In fact, my new boss Alan actually quizzed him in the airport lobby thinking he was me (the photo I'd sent was hardly complimentary). Anyway, Alan found me and knew his mistake when he saw my sweating form dragging my huge bags about 50 yards behind the Chipmunk of Trance.

Cue 3-hour drive to HuWei in central Taiwan. ANything interesting to report? Erm, Cappucino in cans, drunk with straws, a sign on the freeway for a place (or person maybe) called Little Ding Dong. I kid you not...

Another page worth of drivvle about HuWei town and my first meet and greet at Jordan's Language School soon. For now though, I have a very hard mattress in my new room and it's calling, calling me...

Only 5 hours 'til I fly. I've said bye to my ma (not a happy time at all), plus have now to do the same with Dad and Suzy (sister, if she ever wakes up...).

Hopefully my entries will get much more interesting from here on in. Here's to long flights with Eva Air (I suspect we may have to pedal her off the ground) and tasty food in plastic packs.

Aaaah!