Well, it's been around three weeks since I returned and moved to sunny Manchester. The half-expected 'reverse culture shock' hasn't really happened. That could be because I came back to Blighty in July (which was slightly weird as detailed on this site) or because I spent a week roving the country before I moved up to Manc, checking that friends and family were still there and bearing up okay.

Weather-wise, it's certainly been chilly which has been very nice indeed! (Yes, you read that right!) There's something very relaxing about not being in a constant sticky sweat the whole time, and about being caught in the rain without worrying your hair will fall out. Other points worth noting are that I haven't once shouted "No Chinese!" since I returned, though I did thank a shop worker in Chinese, much to their bemusement.

Am I missing teaching? Don't be silly. Am I missing the kids? Well one class maybe (my small K1 blighters), largely they sent me a package full of rather cute Christmas cards!

Manchester is as expected... bustling, lots going on, lots to do, lots of money requred to enjoy it all. My career situation at present is hardly that of a high-flyer, temping as I am at Central Library. This is a stop-gap however, whilst I track down some serious permanent work that doesn't involve fannying around with invoices whilst fighting off sleep.

Manchester triathlon club hath been joined and is very hardcore indeed, as hoped. I've also found a music shop to practice sax in, owned by an 84-year old ex-professional saxophonist who's a mine of information and grand lad to boot.

Couple of quick and utterly abysmal jokes for ya:

1
- Why does Edward Woodward have four D's in his name?
- Because if he didn't, he'd be called E-Wah-Woo-Wah

2
- What is ET short for?
- He's only got little legs!

It's the way I type 'em.

And there's another song I can't get out of my head. Bugger.
Anyway, the time has come to close off this little sprogblog, try to save some of the entries before I wipe all our hard work and memories from the great Antville Server Almighty.
Anything to add Matt?

Well then, it's Sunday today. We arrived here in Khao Lak at around 10.30am on Friday morning (or was it Thursday?). Khao Lak is very small beach resort on the South West coast of Thailand.

The potentially dull 12-hour bus drive was made all the more interesting by a bald, small, drunken English yob laid behind us on the back seats, who not only stank but grumbled in his sleep. Rather like my childhood pet Cilla in fact, though he didn't wake himself up / make everyone else pass out by farting... to the best of my knowledge. Combined with the occasional outburst from a German backpacker lady with a laugh like an Asthma attackee on helium, I'm sure you can begin to appreciate the fun that was had.

The South of Thailand, anyway, is HOT!! Not humid like Taiwan really, but darn it... I spent just an hour or so with my top half exposed to all and sundry, and this evening I'm glowing plenty. The sea is pretty choppy so that will be good open-water swimming practice for next year's 'prat does a triathlon' attempt.

Thai food meanwhile is, it must be said, dirt cheap and amazingly tasty. Much nicer than Taiwanese fare in my opinion... sweet and sour, satay (Peanut sauce), spring rolls, spicy noodle dishes. Oh, and lots of fruit and muesli on offer around brekky time!

We've got a little one-room wooden bungalow about a minute's walk from a very nice beach (erm, yes, quite a bit nicer than Kenting in Taiwan I'm afraid! Shame... shame... shame...).

Oh, we found somewhere to watch the rugger on Saturday too. It being the second ever rugby I've watched (the first being the S.African game), I have to say it was pretty bloomin' exciting. And we won - bargain! That Frank Spencer-ish man with the golden boot, he's really rather good... though his name escapes me right now.

I believe the plan is to stay until next Friday then, followed by another overnight journey for a last day in Bangkok of breathing pollution and visiting a massive market for last-minute tat buying (that's tat as in rubbish, not tattoos. Ooh no, good grief).

Well, I finished at school last Saturday. All very bizarre. Therefore this could be my last report for a while (as I'm off to Thailand tomorrow for 10 days) so I'll try to make it half-interesting!

OK. Notable days of the year...

Best moment: could be one of several: kids from my recent K1 class (age 7-8) being generally sweet as candy; a fat kid called Patrick throwing a dice into the ceiling, it hitting a light, the light crashing onto student Joyce's head and her laughing rather than crying (the relief was palpable); my winning third prize in the Christmas Fancy Dress Competition (my Harry Potter fake costume, if you remember). Strange how the mind goes blank isn't it?

Worst moment: Christmas Day definitely. Made me realise just how special family Christmasses can be, how much I missed everyone (I was at that 3-month, what-am-I-doing-here? point), how people should NEVER have to WORK on Xmas day.

Most bizarre moment: oh, I can't think... read back on this site and take your pick!

Scariest moment: my first ever lesson, OR my first 'demo' class in front of parents, OR any time I've been on the road in Taiwan...

Most embarassing moment: could be when K1 kids were hanging off my legs and pulled my jeans down to my knees, or could be when some kids, I forget which class, were doing a writing exercise and I was amusing myself trying to juggle three plastic hammers. Before long, this amazing display of circus skills went somewhat pear-shaped and I tripped over the whiteboard's frame and went sprawling, legs akimbo, arse over tit, hammers everywhere, very little writing done thereafter!

As I said above, I'm going to Thailand for 10 days tomorrow, and meeting up with Clare, who used to teach at my school here (she's been slacking ever since around Asia, doing very little other than sitting on beaches and drinking cocktails from what I can gather). Thus, I might not be updating this site or responding to email too often.

Wish me a happy vacation (doh! holiday I mean...). For once in my life, it feels like I've earned it.

Take care all...

Matt.

Firstly, a long overdue t-shirt slogan update:

#1 - kid's t-shirt showing picture of bear
'IMPOSING BEAR'

#2 - kid's t-shirt with the following slogan (no pic)
'Nappy feature...'

Nice!

-------------------

Job / plans / career (!) update...

This week I have mainly been thinking about how much I would like to go back to England, catch up with everyone, move to Manchester (my fave town in which my very good friend probably has a room free, and in a house featuring husky puppies!), go to some gigs, spend Christmas at home, finish my ebook, join a triathlon club (Manc has a big one)... that kind of thing.

I'm very 50/50 at the moment. I intend to decide within a few days. The nice thing is that if I do that and at any point I wish I hadn't, I know I can do and survive this now, so it's only a plane fare away. I could simply apply for another job out here (do-able with a year's experience), though not in a cram school (adults or kindy, which can be fun I'm told), and make some profit out here again. OR, if I go before July 27, I'm JUST young enough to apply for a year's Australian working/travel visa and catch some sun / have a look around there.

Who knows? Hopefully I will shortly...

Yours ever faithfully,

Matt the Indecisive.

Greetings one and all. Very little to report I'm afraid.

* Have spent a couple of mornings this last week at the mountains. Having borrowed a chopper motorbike (or persuaded your student policeman to drive you!), it's possible to fill an hour with a truly evil (i.e. steep) half hour's step hiking, followed by a half-hour wander back down the winding mountain road. This return route includes a great view and passes many a bin-lan farmer chopping down their nuts from 30-foot skinny trees (bin-lan is the stimulant, similar to chewing tobacco I guess, that many of the men here chew (to lip-reddening effect).

* The boss at school has gone on the offensive again re: getting me to stay. Why I can't just say ' thanks, but NO' when that's what I'm thinking, I just don't know. Gutless wonder!

* As of yesterday, I've 3 weeks left at this school!

* This week's fitness obsession is triathlon. I found myself browsing an article about this 'multisport', and rather than each 'TRI' being a whole-day near-death experience as I though, it turns out that you can enter short-race 'SPRINT' events, which with some training could be possible I think.

These usually consist of 500-1000M swim, 20-25K bike, and 5-10K run. I am currently trying to find an event like this in the first half of next year to aim at (preferably in Taiwan... I've found four TRI's here so far, but they are all Olympic length events in the mountains (did I mention how steep they are?)). I'll keep looking.

I told you I didn't have much to report. I've just woken up you see, so my limbs are faking being alive, whilst my brain's not even entering the denial stage yet.

The new job at David's (English & Japanese) Language Center is full time (teaching hours being 12 noon to 9pm Mon-Fri and 10-3 Saturday). Note - I won't teach all these hours or even be in school at these times... these are the hours that my lessons will definitely fall between. If I don't have class, there's no need to be in school, or anywhere else for that matter.

I'll maybe still teach one kids class per week. That I can just about handle (my one weekly chance to act like a total baffoon, without embarassment).

The rest of the classes are adults and company workers. Afternoon classes will usually be at school and evening classes across town at the Science Park (computer chip firms etc. - best to picture it as a Taiwanese Silicon Valley / Palo Alto type deal). Friday and Saturday classes however are ALL small classes, ranging from 1-2-1 tutorials to 1-teacher / 4-student sessions.

The pay is better than the current place. It's worked out per hour taught, so I'm assured 100 teaching hours minimum per month (though in July and August these hours will likely rise to stupid levels - 120, 130!!!), plus the end of contract/year bonuses are very enticing.

Yes, the contract is for one full-year.

There are 80 staff at the school, 22 of whom are foreign English teachers (mainly Canadians, some S.Africans... I suspect I may be the only Brit, though I'm not sure).

I can grab two weeks holiday, plus 7-10 days for Chinese New Year (which will be at the end of January).The two weeks will probably be at the end of summer (maybe England and Europe?), and as for Chinese New Year, I intend trying to persuade my folks to maybe slightly rescedule their plans to visit Suzy in Dubai, so that we can have an end of January family reunion!

Any more Qs?

Yesterday, I had my second interview for a full-time teaching job at Davids English Center in Hsinchu (pronounced Shin-Joo).

This consisted of a half-hour 'demo' lesson for four students (who were actually English-speaking David's staff and included the head of English, Kirsty - who interviewed me previously, and the boss of the center 'under an assumed name').

It all went rather well really. I made them laugh (I'm very British apparently), they made me chuckle too, I didn't trip over my own feet or accidentally belch, and then they offered me a job. Jolly good!

I then put my negotiating hat on and managed to get the starting date put back to December 1st. Why? Well, I finish at THIS school (Jordan's) here in Huwei on November 15th, which gives me a week to harass Kirsty at David's into helping me find an apartment and a scooter in Hsinchu, and then the best part of a week to pop across to Thailand, catch up with ex-Jordans teacher Clare, and sit on the beach thinking dreamy thoughts.

All in all, pretty pleased then. Hsinchu is an hour's fast train from the capital, on the coast - a small city with half-decent nightlife, some swimming pools, a gym (I'm scarily happy about that), and so on...

Let's see how slow these next five weeks go then!

Hope y'all well in Blighty. Keep those emails a coming!

I know I don't officially belong to this blog any more, but seeing as I set the whole bloody thing up, I feel it is my prerogative to add the odd thing now and then. And here's an odd thing..

I've got a car!!! It is blue and it is a Rover. It is a 416i and it is blue and it is big. I bought it at an auction (SO dodgy) for about half it's Parker's Used Car Guide value and it's not stolen. It goes brrrrm brrrrrm and it is so blue I have to tell you all over again. The road tax cost me one hundred and sixtyfive bleedin' pounds though. This government is having a laugh. Have you seen the price of fuel lately?

Anyway. Having a job that pays more than half a loaf of bread a week gives you more advantages than owning a complete wardrobe. I now have a blue car, too.

Welcome to a British payroll, girlie.

Well, just under 7 teaching weeks at Jordan's to go.

I've just booked a couple of days off (one this week, one next)... for interviews (adult & corporate English teaching in the big city). So, I have my 'Resume' done and dusted, have borrowed some smart togs (left mine back in Blighty - doh!), now all that remains is for me to get on the right train, which ain't as easy as it sounds, and try to explain to the taxi driver where I'm going. Fingers crossed.

Demo class for new ickle students tomorrow evening. Hmmm...

Distance between Leeds, England, United Kingdom and
Taipei, Taiwan, as the crow flies:

6038 miles (9716 km) (5247 nautical miles)

(I'd wager that's one knackered crow)

Initial heading from Leeds to Taipei:
northeast (49.3 degrees)

Initial heading from Taipei to Leeds:
north-northwest (330.3 degrees)

Thrilling stuff isn't it? I hope my Geography teachers are real proud.

Good grief, I must get a life.

So, eight weeks left on my school contract. My boss has asked me to stay for a second year and while the money appeals (maybe 7-8K over the course of the year if I really knuckled down and saved hard), the idea of working six days a week in such a kid-heavy environment just seems a bit much. And another year in Huwei really? The words OF, BOREDOM, DIE and I WOULD... spring quickly to mind.

However, I've been job hunting already and I have found a couple of adult/business teaching vacancies (mainly up in the capital Taipei). Whilst I maybe couldn't save quite as much, I could I think still save some cash (and this would be balanced by, well, having a life!) as I'm quite the skinflint really (such shock! - a reader friend). I have an interview on October 7 up in Taipei and am applying for more such vacancies so wish me luck.

More updates when I have a sec...

The old guy apparently doesn't live in the moon, but chills out there. As for the rabbit, I've received no confirmation as to when it arrived up there.

As for Chann Err (my spelling), to answer the question of how she got to the Moon, apparently in her Queenly disgruntlement, she stole an everlasting life potion from the King, which gave her all sorts of juicy side effects (the ability to fly being one of the best). Sorry that bit of crucial info was missing from my earlier yarn, but I've just learnt it.

Oh, so the Moon Festival day. Yes, Louise and I spent the evening with our Taiwanese friend Candy and family. In their yard they had two small BBQs going, serving up standard fare (sickly sweet sausages, pork etc.), and some more obviously Taiwanese additions such as chicken's hearts (they are half the size of your thumb and have a weak liver taste), and chicken's ass (namely the fatty flap of skin that dangles from its posterior). As I said, very fatty and thus tres chewy.

After dinner, we wondered down to the nearest rice field with Candy's cousins and spent a great hour letting off a huge bag full of fireworks, at one point lighting around thirty small rockets from one soda bottle (which soon tipped over and led us to scatter down the road like scared chickens escaping a stressed poultry-ass-chef).

The next day I was off school, feeling very sick indeed (which I put down to the slightly undercooked and frankly nasty sausages. I'll avoid them in future (as I probably will the ass flaps too). An education then...

I caught up with Cecilia last night, and she gave me a potted history of the Moon Festival, though she was at pains to point out she's no history expert.

Many moons ago, at the beginning of recorded Chinese history (so maybe two or three thousand years?), there were nine suns in the sky. Antarctic conditions they were not. No plants grew, water evaporated quicker than money after payday, and thus no-one was too happy (or cool).

A rather strong-armed sort (whose name Cecilia didn't know I'm afraid), took it upon himself to sort things out and promptly shot down eight of these suns with his bow and arrow.

Everyone cheered, he ached, and he was thereafter made King. However, in contrast to his superlative Robin Hood skills, he was a terrible King and his wife (whose name is pronounced roughly 'Chann Err') found her man a huge dissapointment as monarch. So (and here's where the poetic license comes in...), to escape his mediocrity she flew up to the moon, where she has since been seen by the Chinese as a kind of moon goddess.

Now it gets really surreal!

To add to our confusion, there is also apparently a rabbit on the moon (a Chinese rabbit, I presume), though whether the rabbit was already up there or snuck into the lady's travel bag, I've yet to ascertain.

Furthermore, there is a Chinese god who finds love for people (a matchmaking, Cupid-style type God), who ALSO apparently lives in the moon. When he arrived I also don't know. Maybe they got some kind of ancient package deal, I don't know. It strikes me that the rabbit may well be some kind of latter-day commercial add-on, much like Christmas Trees or Easter Eggs.

Datewise, the Moon Festival falls on August 15 of the Lunar Calendar (which this year is today, September 11 in our Western Calendar). It is also referred to as the Mid-Autumn festival (again, Lunar-wise), when the harvests are or have been collected.

Did that all make any sense? Hey, I told it like I heard it.

Thanks to my daily saxophone abuse, I'm now used to meeting the occasional local in our basement... stressed landlords, morbidly curious residents, fans of tunes screaching and the like.

I can understand their intrigue, as if I weren't the one producing that kind of racket, I'd want to find out just who was responsible. I usually greet said listeners with a hastily mumbled 'dway-boo-chi' (sorry) and my award-winnning little-boy-lost / please-forgive-me expression.

My latest audience members however, are more irritating than a drunken Leeds FC fan on a long haul flight (economy class too), or, as I've recently been discovering this week, a bike saddle that not only whirls left and right, but backwards and forwards too, to groin-numbing effect.

Anyway, yes, those blasted mosquitos! After the first couple of months here, they seemed to have tired of my new blood and weren't such an issue, but in our basement of aural horror, they have formed quite a clan.

Presumably one tone-deaf adventurer fly heard my wailings and called the members of its Musical Depreciation Society over for a wings-up. They must certainly be got rid of though, as I now have red, polka-dot ankles (even the rivers of sweat don't wash them off!). (Mmm, nice. Thanks Matt.).

Oh, a bit of cultural stuff for you. We have the day off tomorrow as it is the Moon Festival. This is more a family do than another street festival, so Louise and I will be spending the day with Candy, a new Chinese-English teacher at school, helping her prepare the evening BBQ feast for her family and buying all manner of firecrackers and rockets. It should be pretty interesting, so I'll try to report back (hopefully with some detail on the origins of this moon theme).

How for now...

After a not-too-bad week at school (thanks to Louise's arrival my schedule is a little nicer and I also seem to be getting a more relaxed in the classroom), on Saturday I had a new-student S1 demo lesson.

Unlike the kind of stressful demo lesson where parents come to wonder at their offspring's lack of progress at the end of a semester, a new student demo is simply a class of kids that are new to Jordans, whereby you fill 90 minutes with fun stuff, 'What's your name?' and A-H games (and in yesterday's case, ass-shaking to music). The parents meanwhile are packed into a side observation room.

Luckily, many of the kids already knew some of the basics, and they were all responsive and happy, so I thought the demo went well (i.e. I enjoyed it, which usually is a good sign).

The boss's wife will never give feedback unless prodded (ideally by a bison-strength cattle controller), which I was about to get around to, but her husband found me first. He said that Emma reported the demo as superb, and as classroom assistant she hardly had to do anything. The last such good report was apparently two foreign teachers ago, when Aileen (the girl I replaced) was still here in Huwei.

I'm not boasting here, I'm just telling it like it happened. I'm actually still in shock that Alan referred to me as a good teacher. I guess he's that much in need of new students that one successful demo is blinding him to my numerous abysmal lessons of the past.

Anyway, this positive feedback led him to ask about my plans for next year. Ever the diplomat, I stalled and spluttered about having a list of options that I'm looking into (which is true... Canada, Oz, England, bit of travel etc.). He then went on to detail how things were going to improve still further at school (they have too recently, due to more teachers, refurbishment, more AC units etc.). Apparently the pay will be increased (a nice thought), the end of second year bonus is 400 pounds (compared to a measly 100 quid for this year), plus he's willing to pay for a flight (though if I'm already here I don't know how that would work).

Behind my exhausted, don't-give-anything-away poker expression, my greedy brain started whirring. I then sped home after hometime to track down my calculator. With a bit of budgeting, if I survived another year I'd be able to amass between 8 and 9 grand pure profit. My first thought was... GREAT! Half of that could go into my house deposit fund and half could be used to go around the world with. If I don't do this when I'm young, then when will I have the chance? And would I regret not doing it? These are the questions now in my mind. But that said, another year, teaching, in Taiwan. Is that a realistic possibility? I'd not consider it seriously without every other Saturday off, like Gareth's school gives them. That way I'd be able to properly relax and get away once a fortnight...

But come on Matt... I can hear you thinking... I've read your miserable entries bemoaning the job... is this seriously an option? Well, I've added it to my list.

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear jessie, happy birthday to you.
by the way that was sung in perfect tune with three part harmonies... in my head at least

Well, much to report. Since last time I wrote, I've moved house!

The background goes thus: with new teacher Louise having arrived with no place to stay, the boss decided it would be less hassle in the long run to get all the Jordan's teachers in one apartment. (He also realised that I wouldn't move unless he offered a rent-free place... ah, he's got me sussed!).

So within a few days of his suggestion (and by suggestion I mean... "You are moving Matt!"), we were in! It's a top (9th) floor apartment, very close to the old place (and Renee's).

It has three bedrooms (one is currently unoccupied until a third foreign teacher is concerned), full air conditioning (how I rejoiced!), cable TV, and best of all, as the most senior foreign 'teacher', I get the huge en-suite room! Bargain! Yet there's more... the basement is unused (so no nasty exhaust fumes billowing around) and the doors can be shut - I've therefore a good sax practice venue in which I can murder all manner of scales without the Noise Police turning up and sending me away to somewhere really evil (Walsall springs to mind).

And finally... this Thursday is our school's summer away day (another amusement park visit then, but further afield than the last one). So far afield in fact, that we have to meet at school at 6.30 (I'm visibly wincing just typing that). Still, back for 6.30pm, an evening to recover, then only two days (five lessons) before it's the weekend again. Must remember my sunscreen, shades, MP3 player, gun etc.

My young student Dan wore a t-shirt today with a picture showing an ape and a banana.

The writing on it read thus:

'energetic bananas for positive gorilla'

Great.

Last Sunday a few of us drove 40 minutes to the foot of the mountains to visit what amounts to Taiwan's biggest amusement park.

Think of a smaller Alton Towers on a VERY steep hill in really sweltering heat, but packed (and I mean, packed!) with Chinese folk (due it being Sunday, most people's only real day off).

The rides included a vertical drop, a pretty tame rollercoaster, a spinnning viking ship type affair called the Frisbee (which despite our denials actually caused a fair amount of greenness around the gills), and a vertical bungee drop kind of experience (where we were strapped into a cage surrounding a giant metal pole poking up into the sky, then winched up, then dropped - great ride, great view).

The best thing by far, however, was the Guide Map. The English used in this publication was cause for much merriment. Here are some samples - enjoy...

Sky Scraper Fighter (a.k.a. an amusement arcade) - 'enjoy the exciting moment of self-accomplishment as you are competing with computers no matter for dancing, car racing, or sniping'

Frisbee - '360 revolving with 9th grade speedy change and 180 big swing for upside down in the space'

Air Shower - '60 big swings as like the fairy dancing - Wow, your minds are swinging'

Enter Prise - 'Walk on the flying plate as alike for up-side down suddenly to have fun'

Turbo Drop & Space Shot (the latter being the vertical 'bungee type' drop ride mentioned above / the former the opposite) - 'Challenge the non-gravity environment by riding on the space chamber for avalanching suddenly'

And as for those 'non-ride' facilities, check these out...

Harmonyhill Executive Club - 'The best escort place for family and employees having vacations'

Taxi / Bus Stands - 'Wait for here for convenience conveyance'

Piccies at some point hopefully...

Before last night's excursion into Hu-wei town to check out the dead (but surprisingly svelte) pigs, the huge karaoke stages, and the candy-flinging dragon, I met a Chinese teacher friend of Renee's, who immediately got embroiled in a serious discussion with Jo about the Taiwanese approach to high school education.

Jo, a fellow Brit, is pretty vehemently opposed to the lack of childhood (as we would understand it anyway) that the kids here seem to experience. Namely, they go to school at some unGodly hour in the morning, finish school, and often as not get immediately whisked away to a Bushiban (cram school) for extra schooling until mid-evening - this may be study of languages, science, music or whatever their problem subject(s) may be. This extra study regularly happens on Saturdays and Sunday too.

(Note - Japanese & South Korean kids I'm told, have it much worse.)

You see, for said kids to move from Junior to Senior high school (around the age of 13/14-ish), they must pass all their tests, then the same to get to University and so on. Because everything is so test-orientated (and you thought England was bad for that... try tests on the weekend and every other evening at the Bushiban!), kids are whisked through subjects in normal school, with the schools (according to Jo at least) almost relying on the Bushibans to follow up what they don't have time to teach in full.

Let's take science as an example. As we know, dear readers, back in Blighty, science at school is a varied (and, okay I admit it, sometimes interesting) mix of lecture and assorted explosions/small fires described as 'experiments'. While these, to my memory, usually resulted in many a minor catastrophe (so much so that my fondest reminiscence is of ignoring these completely, opting instead to walk around with a fistful of burning 'splints' pretending I ran my own cult), they did at times put all the boring stuff into some kind of context and aid interactive learning (sorry, that was a bit textbook-sounding eh?). In Taiwan? You're a parrot (due to having 'no time, no time' as Renee's friend put it).

No experiments. Not even the teacher attempting one to the scornful delight of their class when it goes embarrasingly wrong. Nope, the work is just read and (hopefully) remembered, to be dutifully regurgitated on a later day.

I could and still can, see Jo's point. There's something just nice and sort of quaint about kids finishing school and going to play, but that rarely seems to happen here (unless spending the odd few hours in an internet cafe shooting the beejesus out of each other counts). Other than that, it's study, sleep, and repeat.

I'm not really siding with anyone here. As the Chinese girl (her name escapes me I'm afraid) put it, the system is ingrained now so to change it would require a complete restart, which certainly the current establishment doesn't look like doing (to my very limited knowledge at least).

Poor little blighters eh? I'm just reporting it as I hear it. Any thoughts? Any unlucky internet surfers just stumbled across this ramble and care to put me 'in the right'? Just click 'Comment' below and get busy responding! If it doesn't work, email me (matwade76@hotmail.com).

I WILL get my pictures of last night's festivities developed forthwith (though don't put off anything important in the wait, as one camera didn't have a flash and my photography is atrocious at the best of times). There's my self-marketing done, i'm off...

Oh, but before I go (and don't just pass this off, take note!), if you consider yourself to have any sense of humour at all (and I assume you must have it you're still reading this dribble), check out this site -->

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/mil.millington/things.html

It's called 'Things my girlfriend and I have argued about' by Mil Millington (a minor genius of anecdote and description to half my mind, and an unlucky pup to the other). It will take you a few days to enjoy all the stories here, but the writing is superb and it's 'laugh out loud (then wake up still laughing out loud about it)' funny. Really. Look at it!

(You still here? I said LOOK at it!).

If anyone can answer the following tricky questions, please feel fee to click 'Comment' and enlighten me. For I am flummoxed...

1 - Why do kids with nuclear-strength colds wait until I'm walking by before they let loose the snot?

2 - Why do naughty (by that, read evil) children never get sick?

3 - Why are the scariest Taiwanese drivers (without a doubt... old people on scooters) never involved in road traffic accidents? Indeed, how do they even get to be old?

4 - Why do the kids most in need of a pre-test review session always turn up to class half an hour late, just as it is ending, and then preceed just to stare dumbly at me when I ask their oral test questions?

5 - Why did my boss Alan tell me I look very cute in my recently donated fisherman's hat? *yikes*

Well, last week was my first full week back, and though it was very hard work indeed, I (think I) survived with all my marbles intact.

This week, lots to do... our new Foreign Teacher Louise arrives on Tuesday, while on Tuesday evening Huwei town plays host to one of the biggest night festivals that the current 'Ghost Month' has to offer.

Already many of the streets in town are under big marquee/awning type affairs, which the traffic deftly swerves around, and these are filling up quick with stalls selling everything from chicken's feet (to eat) to puppets and big mounted rocks (for your coffee table).

Ghost Month, as you may have also read last week, also features probably Taiwan's most controversial competition, the name of which has been haunting my thoughts all week - 'Pigs of God'... more commonly referred to by newscasters as a 'supersize pig contest'. GREAT phrase to be sure, but a nasty business in my opinion.

Yup, it's a contest to award the heaviest hog with all manner of praise before slitting its throat in the street. In recent years, according to the article at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3136587.stm there have been reports of people filling these monsters with sand and lead (force fed obviously) just before the judging, which occurs in front of temples. Winners have weighed in at over 900KG. Really. Quite gruesome.

Apparently we can expect to see rows of dead pigs on tables down Huwei high street, though I'm not yet sure if Huwei has its own fat porker round or if that's just the pleasure of the big cities.

I'll be sure to take lots of piccies to scan in and disgust you all.

Have a good week... more soon.

well from where i'm sitting, i can't see any sun, sea or sprogs so i don't no whether i'm allowed to contribute to this bizzare and charming little diary site. Just won £100 on internet poker though. I've handed in my notice at work... to do the same thing at another casino! but it's more money, less responsibility and it's 4 ten hour shifts instead of 5 eight hour shifts so i get more days off and more head space to concentrate on a work from home bookkeeping course i've enrolled for.
This is Ibbotsoni, signing out on a warm but muggy manchester evening. Goodnight God bless. xxxxx

Imagine, you put on shorts and a t-shirt. Then you walk into a sauna and sit down. You start to sweat. You don't stop, even at night. That's Taiwan right here, right now.

Some lucky chucks have air conditioned apartments, but sadly we don't, and even more sadly we're all as tight as duck's arses, so we haven't paid to get a couple of units fitted (though maybe this will change as the summer progresses and we keep losing pounds of weight every day... ?).

I can't type much more, right now, as I'm paranoid about ruining my laptop due to 'finger-drip' (a new heat-based typing issue I've yet to solve).

Well, after being here for the best part of two weeks, tomorrow I fly back to the kid-infested sauna that is Huwei, Taiwan.

On first arriving back in England, the first thing I noticed was how big, white and hairy people were (meaning I was no longer considered average/tall in height - doh!).

The second was obvious really, namely how expensive everything still is.

The third? How us Brits seem to love queueing. I've got used to barging around in shops in order to pay for things, so being back in British supermarkets where the staff never seem to smile and the queues stretch for miles was weird.

And confusing... I went to buy Jaffa Cakes (didn't realise I missed 'em so much!), but it took me ten minutes to find them because I could read EVERY SINGLE PACKET in the biscuit aisle. Such choice!

And the traffic here is oh so polite (I know, i'm surprised I'm writing that too). All that stopping at red lights and letting people go before you. VERY nice.

Over the course of the last fortnight, I have revelled in the fresh air, and have seen almost everyone I know.

Of course I also went to my cousin's wedding, which was a stunning sunshine-filled day at a country house somewhere outside Wakefield.

The list of things I am supposed to take back to Taiwan for various people was lost almost immediately upon my return, plus I've only been into town in the daytime once, so I hope people will understand.

The weather here has even been pretty good (sunny, but not humid - how novel!).

I'm sure I'll think of loads more, but in the meantime, wish me luck surviving the following flight schedule...

Manchester - Amsterdam - 12.15pm - 2.40pm (followed by a five hour wait!)

Amsterdam - Bangkok - Taipei - 8pm - 5.30pm (next day).

Then - 150 mile bus journey, with changes.

Lovely. See you there!

xXx

No caption required.

Unjumble the captions to fit the characters...

"Us? Oh, we're only CATALOGUE models y'know..."

"Bloody peasants, you're all beneath me!"

*insert red hot poker somewhere foreign* - "AYEEEEIIIII!!!!"

I'm coming hooooooome!

Providing there are no suicide bombers on board, or terrorists wanting to fly us into landmarks, or even simple common or garden hijackers who just want a little diversion, I will be flying transatlantic today.

South West Wales (via Madrid) here I come, see you guys tomorrow night.

I will smell, but hug me anyway.

UPDATE: I am back. I did not get blown up by terrorists. It is grey and cold.

I've just come back from another party where I can't communicate with anyone because I don't speak Spanish, they don't speak English (obviously) and I stand out like a mute sore thumb.

I think three hours of sipping beer and silently smiling at anyone who looks at you is enough to be polite isn't it?

Oh my god this is so distressing. I am going through all my stuff (you know how I like to hoard!) with a bin bag and throwing away anything that is not essential or won’t fit in my suitcase. All my clothes!! It’s painful! All my cosmetics, mosquito repellents, sun creams! Even my knickers are getting chucked. Packing is horrible at the best of times, but this time it feels like I’m packing up a life (and a very nice life at that, thank you very much), and what I can cram into my suitcase is what’s left to accompany me to a cold, harsh new life.

I know, a bit dramatic, but that’s what it feels like. This is the pants bit about moving on.

I just put together a few links to resources for teachers.

some teacher resources on the net

(application/octet-stream, 30 KB)

Depending on your standpoint, I'm at the best/worst point of being away from home - buying pressies to take back for everyone.
Not that anyone deserves anything.. Just how many emails have you sent me recently? Maybe I can skip buying pressies for you guys and concentrate on finishing off my wage packet on nice ikkle things for ME.
Now that's a fine idea. I'm off to the mall.

Well, in 3 weeks I'll be returning to Blighty for a couple of weeks of family weddings, saxophone summer schools and catching up with those people I've missed. Can't wait!

At present, I'm still the only foreign teacher at our school, though following a big ole' chat with the boss today, it appears there may be two newbies coming in August (fingers crossed and throwing salt over my shoulder here)... the likely couple are both English - one - a rugby-playing Sports Science graduate (i.e. professional beer drinker and potential LAD) and no. 2 - a Chinese-English graphic designer girl from London.

Very little to report I'm afraid. The weather here varies a lot at the moment (rainy season I think) - one day torrential and quite warm, the next humid as hell and amazingly hot (half an hour in the sun and you've sunstroke... it's that simple).

Getting back into exercise (running, believe it or not...) AND sax practice though, so I'm not too guilt-stricken.

More soon... sorry for the lack of input recently. I've been rather busy, as I hope you can all understand.

I don't like this 'being off work' lark at all. I have been off work for four days now and already I'm staying up too late, eating too much, drinking too much and getting up later and later. I'm also losing the will to move, it seems. I mean I am not getting any exercise at all, just sitting on my bum wherever possible. And when you are off work there is a lot of possible.

Help me, please, before I turn into a lazy lardarse with a drink problem.

So, a group of students, parents and I went up into the mountains and stayed in a gorgeous house only accessible by four wheeler. It was a funky journey, but it was well worth it.
As there was no telly or radio, the kids sat around moping for ages, but before long we had we lit a bonfire, ran around, ate a lot, played a particularly souped-up version of hide-and-seek that I know and giggled until 2.30 in the morning. Oh yeah, and we met a tarantula. Then we all stayed in a tiny room of bunk beds that was swealteringly hot and full of mosquitos and other biting bugs, but managed to get a couple of hours sleep.
The next day we hiked up to the top of the mountain in the midday sun to look at some avocados (huh?) and down again and ate macadamia nuts, blueberries and guavas from the trees and bushes. Most of us found we were allergic to one of the plants that we had scrambled through on the slopes though, and our arms turned all red and blotchy. We showered in river water and then played lots of games that made us all sweaty again. Duh. It was a cool weekend, and the birthday cake was yummylicious, and I took lots of photos that I promised the kids I’d put onto a website for them.
And I’m still shattered. Happy though. =)

from the birthday party, but I'm waaaaay too tired to tell you about it. Are you kidding? an overnight party with a bunch of teenagers? I'll write more when I've slept for half a day.

That's it. No more students. Well, that's not strictly true, as I will see half of them tomorrow at a birthday party. It was horrible to see them all go today though, one by one. "Bye Miss Jessi" "I'll miss you". I'll flipping miss them too, I can tell you. If there was a scanner that works around here I'd post the pics of the photos, but you may just have to wait till I get home. They're beautiful! All of them! It is heartbreaking to have to say goodbye.

I also had to say final goodbyes to the Ex, too. He called me over this afternoon and said such nice things to me that I burst into tears there and then. I tried to reciprocate his gesture, but it backfired of course due to his knowledge of English. Again. Who knew "my heart aches for you every time I remember what we had" could be construed as something offensive? Apparently it can. It reminded me of how hard it is to say heartfelt things to someone and then spend ten minutes translating it into phrases they understand. It kind of loses the meaning somewhere along the way.

P.S. For those not in the know already, I have a flight via Madrid booked for the 1st/2nd of July. I should be back in West Wales by the Wednesday night. Yep, thats only 10 more short days left in Caribbean paradise.

I have a dreadful cold. One of those viruses that aches in your bones and makes your neck swell up. Thank goodness it's the last day of school today. It's the day when the report cards are handed out and kids bring me pressies. Yey! Some of them have got really good taste, too. =)

All the goodbyes are almost too sad for words though.

In order of ikky-ness, some things I've noticed;

I love scraping my nails on the chalkboard to wind the kids up.

A boy lost a fingernail to a door in school today.

My toenails taste like peanuts.

To all the dads out there but especially one tall, greying, cuddly, squash playing vitamin addict in Whitland..

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

*kisses*

xxx

As there should be in all good blogs, today something extraordinary happened. R & J, who know about my plight regarding plane fares and lack of pesos, offered me a $10,000 'helping hand', for all the hard work I've put in this year.

I can't accept it of course, but isn't it incredible?

You could say that made my day. *grin*

BTW, has anyone seen a flight from Puerto Plata to Cardiff for a good price recently? Let me know if you do. I was quoted $60,600 yesterday - that's around £1,515. You can buy a house for that here.

I have made a terrible mistake.

I came to live and work in the Caribbean for a year.

Great, so I only shelled out £450 to get here, I spent a fabulous time in the sun, became a teacher, made wonderful new friends, had beautiful experiences and had myself an utterly fantastic year. So why the maudlin sarcasm Jess?

Well I didn't count on not being able to get back to the UK, did I? I have come to realize now, that while a flight to get here was pretty cheap, it is nigh on impossible to fly back for the same price, which is kind of what I was counting on seeing as I've been earning less than £50 a week. The best prices I can find to fly back to the UK have been £7/800, some quotes as high as £1,000/1,5000.

Rip. Off.

So, I now find myself in the enviable position of being absolutely skint, with an incredibly modest amount of pesos clinking together in my bank account, and no flight home. In short. I am stuck, and have no prospect whatsoever of raising the cash to get home.

HEELLLLLPP!!!!!!

On 29/03/2006, according to EstasMuerto.com (It's a spanish site, sorry, but you can do what I did and translate it). Apparently, I am going to slash my wrists with a shaving blade at age 29, after a friend of mine gave their life to save mine. Oh, and spend thousands of years of suffering with the Fallen Angel who visits through a Ouija board. Hehe. COOL!

Here's the spanish transcript.

Here's what I am single handedly (thanks Spanish teacher) organizing for the end of school production.

All of 6th and 7th grade are performing to a soundtrack by Juan Luis Guerra; "El Niágara en Bicicleta". It's entirely in Spanish, but I got some of the students to translate the lyrics, and basically it compares the trials of going to a Third World hospital with crossing the Niagara Falls on a bicycle. Somehow I have to fit a dance/act/comedy sketch around the following lyrics;

I passed out and fell like a fruit. They carried my to the hospital where the receptionist was listening to the lottery (thirty thousand pesos).

"Someone help me!"

A nurse approached and said to my ear "Relax, Bobby, relax" "I must check your pressure but the room is occupied, and there is no electricity for an electrocardiogram".

It is very hard to cross the Niagara on a bicycle.

Don't tell me that the doctors left.
Don't tell me that you don't have anesthesia.
Don't tell me that they drank the alcohol and that
the suture thread was embroidered in a tablecloth.
Don't tell me that the tweezers were lost,
that the stethoscope is at a party, that the X-rays melted,
and that the serum was used to sweeten the coffee.

May god help me.

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Okay, let's start some kind of diary of 'em, now we've had two earthquakes in two days.

The first, well, it didn't really strike so much as murmur yesterday morning. As I laid in bed trying without success to fight off consciousness, it felt like a very fat man trying to push the mattress across the room (and failing). I could see my music stand start to wobble (I'm on the 13th floor remember), but nothing like during the quake at Christmas.

Today though, oh that was much more fun. About five minutes into my afternoon class (which needed some excitement adding to be fair), the whole room started wobbling - this quake lasted much longer, for maybe two minutes in all. I was only on the second storey this time.

I tried to keep dead still to monitor the affects and the best way I can describe it is this: it's like being stood on one of those moving floors you get in the 'Haunted House' at the fairground.

Obviously massive town-flattening, life-ending shakes are one thing, i.e. not good for anyone concerned, but these Taiwanese rockers are simple fun, even if they do make you feel queasy for a little while afterwards.

Oh, I know it's been a while, so here's a quick update:

* School - it's still there. I'm loving every minute of it. Really, there's no sarcasm involved in that statement. A recently fattened pig on a 'see-it-and-try-it' tour of Mr. Walls's Sausage Factory (Life Cessation Dept.) couldn't be happier.

* Friends and stuff - great. New additions added. Recent weekend knees up with swell English couple led to mucho beer swigging, cigar smoking (I know, what's that about?), dancing like a loon 'til 5am, and two days of hangover...

* Romance - aye, a little of that too.

* Culture - It was Dragon Boat Festival last Wednesday. The nearest location for said race was around an hour's drive away, but we all gave up any intentions of going along, since everyone Taiwanese claimed it was actually really boring and the river stank anyway, so why not watch it on TV? Our TV gave up the ghost weeks ago (a good thing, I'm finding...) so nothing to report there then.

More soon (maybe)... oh, if anyone wants to hear a sick but funny SARS joke, look in the comments beneath this message (it's nasty though, you've been warned)...

"Oh, hi kids.."

It must be so embarrassing when your teacher shows up at the same movie as you. All the way down the aisle I was greeted by various members of 6th and 7th grade.

Anywho, Identity turned out to be a wee bit too scary, so we switched to the Vin Diesel flick A Man Apart. Lots of guns and gangsters and explosions of course, and it was O.K.ish, but not as good as XXX which, in my opinion, was Kew-el.

It was so cool to get out and go to the mall though. We saw movies, look in shop windows, ate pizza, hung out, lost the cell phone, talked about boys. I was almost 14 again. Hehe. Oh yeah, and I had my spanish well and truly scoffed at by a 12 yr old. Muchas Gracias chico. =)

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I ate maggots last night. Can you fricking believe it? I had already munched my way through half of the almonds before I noticed they had little holes in, and that the white crumby stuff in the jar was MAGGOT EGGS. There were a few actual real live squirmy ones too.

So I spent most of the night in a fit with my fingers down my throat. So nice.

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A toyota passed me on the way home from school with an English number plate. Bizarre.

BTW Louise - how is your driving coming?

We were at the house at the beach yesterday - a lovely arty type place, where you can hippy-out and get creative. Anyway, the kids were in the water and I was watching from the window and thinking about what to paint next. As I looked on a swell in the water became a gigantic shark swimming towards the children and in two dramatic and vicious bites, ate one of them. Oh my god! It was terrifying! I woke up crying my eyes out.

And in real life, I got an electric shock from the mains in the classroom. Thankfully the voltage here is pretty low and I had rubber soles, so I'm not dead. Almost died of embarassment though, the yelp you let out when you get an electric shock is so cringeworthy.

Mat. You have ceased blogging. What does this mean?

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It hit home how little time I have left in this tropical paradise. Well, this tropical nice place anyhow. There are only 4 more days left with 7th grade, and only 5 more left with 6th. So sad!

On the one hand, I'll miss these kids SO much, I'll miss the school, I'll miss the people, I'll miss the country, I'll miss the climate(!) etc. etc. but on the other hand, I can't wait to see all my family and friends, to go to bed under a duvet (bliss!), to watch BB4 in the evenings, to go to the pub for a pint, or to eat fish and chips on the beach.

Pining for the things that are not in your life is not healthy, however. So pull yourself together young lady. You should count your blessings everyday and live life in the present at all times. After all, there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come. So do it today. And don't worry about the fish and chips and duvets you haven't got, and start appreciating the sun and love and laughter that you do have.

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inside my head;

"... We're doin' it babyyyy, we're out here on the floor tonight, yeah. No worries babyyyyyy, forget about the troubles in your life.. Shake your booty cutie, And show me you can dance.. ah ah ahaaaaha .. Sexy belly baby, I wanna watch you swing your pants..."

Someone get it out! Get it out! It's driving me around the bend!

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As addicting as the net is, staring at the screen for hours on end when you have a chore to do, is not my idea of fun. And in addition to turning my eyeballs a crimson shade due to over-exposure to the monitor, I have been cursing and swearing and finding myself in NEED of some strong alcohol to calm my nerves. All in the vain hope of finding a ticket home that will cost less than HALF MY YEARLY SALARY. It can't cost that much to cross the Atlantic. It can't! So far, the prices quoted have been between £1,000 and £1,500. Can you believe it? Extortionate, thats what I say. I did manage to find one flight for £748, but even thats one I can't afford. Not on my pesos I can't.

Ah well, gotta keep on searching. Hope you are all enjoying your weekends a little more.

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What do you do when there's just no time to blog? If your day is so chock full of stuff that you want to write about that you don't have time to write it - how does your blog happen? I am swamped with things going on, and plenty to share. Just no time or energy left to share.

I wish I had just an extra 5 minutes a day (I can hear time management seminars a-calling me from afar) so I could sit down and take stock. After all, isn't that what this on-line lark is about? Of course, this one is primarily intended for keeping in contact with all the loved ones thousands of miles away, but even so, the act of journal keeping for whatever purpose is a good reflecting-on-the-day moment. I'd recommend it to anyone. Anyone with time of course. Which brings my terribly written prose back to square one again; if you have a life to write about then you don't have the time to write it. Man. Other people seem to be able to blog full and exciting (and always witty and entertaining) lives. And they form better sentences too. Life's not fair.

By the way it was the last day of teaching today. Yey! Only reviews and exams and marking and report cards and resits to go. And parties and shopping and sight-seeing and rum drinking and packing and saying bye bye.

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End of term. Too damn tired to post.

Finally I was asked by a student if "all living orgasms" are carnivores. I've been waiting all for year for that slip-up.

=)

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Yesterday upped the cuteness factor considerably. I thought it would be painfully 'sweet' and 'nice', but it was excellent!

Let me explain. It was the mother's day celebrations in school (mother's day is the last Sunday in May here), and all the grades performed something touching and lovely for their moms. Yes, I did say 'mom', I have been living here too long. Anyway, we organized the performances to be in the local park – where palm trees line the walkways, sun filters down through the canopy, and we put streamers and decorations up everywhere... AND the children behaved almost perfectly. Sorted!

When the kids performed their cutsie pieces grade by grade, I swear, I had tears in my eyes they were so lovely. Usually I would balk at getting involved, I mean how much "We love mommy, we love mommy, yes we do, yes we do" can you take? These kids, however, were so adorable. Best of all, of course, the parents loved it! They loved the little kid who hogged the microphone and danced like Tom Jones, they loved the teacher having to substitute the kid who chickened out of the maypole dance, they loved the bizarre interpretations of merengue dancing. And best of all, the reason why my neck is having trouble supporting my swollen head is that they loved my grades too! Usually the top grades are overlooked, as the littlest kids are the star kiddies, but yesterday, my kids got the recognition they deserve. I wrote a skit where all the 6th and 7th graders basically complained about their moms, in a completely hammed up and hopefully humorous way, before ‘realizing’ that their moms are actually the best moms in the world etc. etc. Well, the moms were either going to see the funny side at their teens ripping them to shreds on stage, or they were going to hate me. Thankfully it was pulled off and the laughter rang out all the way through. I am so proud! All my kids were wonderful, they loved acting outrageous and when they finished off running into the audience with a rose for their mom, it was the crowning glory. Woohoo!

I don’t even care about the gore when I cut my finger horribly on something in the park, that a big 14 year old boy trod on my sandalled toes and that I burnt the same finger on the scorching tip of a glue gun in a fit of stressed out last minute fixing.

I love being a teacher. Come be in my grade!

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for not posting more often I know its pants of me, but I am SO busy at school its untrue. I promise to be better this this weekend.

kisses

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Absolutely fantasmic films I agree. However, I can't type any more because I am shattered. This teaching lark sure does take it out of you.

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I know this isn't supposed to be a movie review site, but still.

Here's a quick quide:

* Fighting: In general, very cool fights, as you'd expect. Great fight music too. That said, there aren't any of these fights until you're at least 30 mins into the film - and as Neo's fighting speeds up (he needs to because that irksome Agent Smith keeps replicating himself all over the shop), the special effects take hold and Neo begins to look less like Keanu, more like a slimline, yoga-teaching Morph.

* Music. Very cool. Very 'space-age Propellerheads'. At one point in the film the whole Matrix resistance crew have a huge demonstration/meeting kind of 'do', which thereafter turns into a rave. The tune used in this scene (which I've yet to track down online) is absolutely stunning. It's worth seeing the film for this tune alone, especially heard in Movie-theatre-surround-sound.

* Characters. Lots of newbies, much like the second Lord of the Rings flick. Quite confusing to keep to keep up with. Lowlights include a French-accented smarmy git who made me want to get inside the film purely so I could slap him about a bit.

Also, Neo meets the Architect of the Matrix, which is quite possibly the dullest, most confusing and drawn out scene you'll see on a movie screen this year. This guy talks r-e-a-l-l-y slowly, and rambles on in a very Matrixy pseudo-philosophical way, using the biggest words you've ever heard outside of a Pure Mathematics Talkathon, and he confuses you (well, he did me) to the point of wishing you'd taken a small wall along to bang your head against.

* Great lines - hmmm... absolutely ALL the lines in the Matrix Reloaded are delivered s-l-o-w-l-y, with huge amounts of GRAVITAS in a blatant and quite frustrating attempt to make this movie feel like an epic. And quality lines too, like 'You do not really know someone.... until... you fight them'. Wow, thanks for that. Oh, and the French guy was seemingly obsessed with the concept of "cause (insert HUGE PAUSE) and... effect". Whatever floats your boat I suppose.

* The plot - ask me if or when I've watched this again. Prepare to be confused, really confused.

Brief attempt at a basic plot summary: Neo still looks confused and bewildered (I know how he feels), lots of resistance 'unplugged' humans live in a place called Zion (under the ground) with heads called Counsellors, captains and all sorts (the film was really trying to out-Star-Wars Star Wars in this respect), the evil Matrix computers create an army of sentinels, Neo and Trinity get jiggy on a fairly regular basis, Neo must go into the Matrix mainframe to solve stop 250,000 sentinels attacking Zion. He does get into the mainframe computer but somehow in the process
learns that he's not really the one at all, or so we're told.

* The much-discussed religious references... yawn, oh please, I ain't heading down that geaky path.

I have a hangover, which may have tainted this review somewhat. For this I apologise.

However, on the plus side, this film was watched in a VIP screening, with HUGE comfy chairs, free drinks, popcorn, and a complimentary DVD of the first Matrix film (which I understand, hurrah!).

In conclusion: I wouldn't suggest you avoid this film, because the dance tune I mentioned really is that good, but don't belive the hype, don't expect too much, and prepare to suspect your disbelief, a long, long way up.

I always thought there was some truth to palmistry, but this little test told me "your years of happiness may be limited", I "lack self-confidence", I am "constantly seeking approval" and I have "envy and self-doubt". Well. I'm gonna have to do some research and find a better guide. Because fortune tellin's important. Like.

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A half-hour walk in the blazing sun,
There and back for a bottle of rum,
I'd just set foot inside the door,
When I smashed the bottle on the kitchen floor.

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Erm. Four of them. Yesterday evening. Near the house. I'm freaked.

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You hear those claxons? Loud huh? I am going out with the ex tonight. As friends.

Gimme an 'D', gimme an 'O', gimme an 'H', what does it spell?

[Update: It went SO badly! Of course. He got drunk, ignored the signals, tried it on, got rejected and decided I was the world's most evil b***h and decided to tell me so. Loudly. The man has such charm.]

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A woman who works in the school made me cry today. I was in a quiet room marking some books, minding my own business, not happy, not sad, when she walked in. Then, one miute she was cleaning the shelves behind me and the next she came up and put her arms around me - and kissed me on the shoulder.

I was so moved by her tender show of affection that as soon as she had gone I burst into tears! It was a real heart-wrench moment, I tell you.

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Wow Chris, your baking soda tip worked. I have been wearing "The Fave" trainers for two whole sweaty-footed days now, and there's not a trace of whiffery. Thanks! =)

The students say thanks, too.

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Woohoo!

That was according to the BBC Test the Nation. Here's the link.

Also, one of the other teachers popped a sprog yesterday. Congratulations!

Also pt.II, the kids informed me that SARS has reached the Dominican Republic.. I find no mention of it in the papers though. Fingers crossed.

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising **	veggie-ing ****
watering ****	handwashing *****	laughing ****

In order to gauge just how many brain cells were still firing these days, I took the mensa workout, and was SO sure I was going to get a score of 29/30 (I skipped #19!) and my score was 26! Gutted!
So go on, take the test, beat my score...

They reckon with a score of 26 you "have a very strong chance of passing the Mensa test and joining Mensa"

Woop. ee.

today's efforts

sleeping ****	exercising ****	veggie-ing *****
watering ***	handwashing ****	laughing ***

The quickest week in the world is over. Tomorrow - 6 1/2 hours of as yet unplanned 'teaching' beckons.

I've found that if you put your mind to it, it's quite astounding how little you can get done in a week.

Some exercise, a little sax practice, lots of DVD watching, a bit of Net work, but that's it. No exciting trips elsewhere (it being the week before pay day), no contracting of exotic Asian diseases, no dancing 'til the small hours (that's next weekend).

Bah humbug. I'll write more when there's something to say and I'm not feeling quite as down about tomorrow. Having said that, another week not working in Huwei and I'd be mad, MAD I tell ya!

I am struck with the enormity of how much I love teaching, and how much I want to be a teacher for ever. Teaching kids is exactly what I want to do. Need to do.

And every now and then I catch up on some sleep, too.

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising ****	veggie-ing ****
watering ****	handwashing **	laughing ****

80% of the dogs you see in Huwei are kept in traditional Taiwanese pet fashion... namely in a cage just big enough for them to turn around in.

In the main the dogs are small and rather trashy looking (note to self - can a dog look trashy?), but this home-is-a-cage approach applies to bigger beasties too.

It's quite distressing to see when you're used to dogs being treated as the centre of attention and spoiled to death.

Cilla wouldn't have stood for such abuse!

Oh, and as a completely seperate and quite bizarre aside, you know how some songs remind you of times and people? Well, it turns out, I just CANNOT hear Take That's 'Back for Good' without thinking of my second year at Uni and a certain 3 people I lived with. I've tried listening to it and thinking about pork pies smothered with baked beans, or fast cars crashing into jelly houses... anything really, nothing works.

(Told you it was bizarre - damn good pop tune though...)

I want to be one of those early morning joggers that get up at the crack of dawn and breeze through the day all healthy and fresh. I really do!

Only problem is, that I am awful at getting up in the mornings, terrible at going to bed early and hopeless at running! Too much boobs and bum you see, I can just about manage two minutes before giving up.

I tried for the first time today. I rolled out of bed at an unearthly hour, pulled on my gear which incredibly I had left out the night before, and hit the morning pavement. And I've got to say, I can see the appeal. Even though going to bed early is a pain and getting up early is a living nightmare, it is a fantastic time of the day to be around for.

Note: - it is so not the same as when you've been out all night (I miss the old days), I've finally stopped deluding myself about that one.

=)

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *****	veggie-ing ****
watering *****	handwashing ****	laughing ****

We are one South African down as Nicky left on Monday. We clubbed together for a muso-fest leaving pressie and wished her well (she'll be MUCH happier back home methinx).

So, things are very strange this week. Nicky's gone, Todd's on holiday in the U.S., me and Phil have holiday, meanwhile Gareth, Joe and Renee are in school, planning and telephone teaching, but not actually teaching normal lessons.

And it's hot. Oh, good grief O'Reilly, it's hot!

for us teachers anyway. I'm absolutely pooped. So pooped I'm using the word pooped. Writing exams really takes it out of you, speshly when its algebra. Bleurgh. I feel like I should be drinking whiskey just to snap myself back into the real world again.

It's only Tuesday and I'm thinking of the weekend already.

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising ****	veggie-ing ****
watering ****	handwashing ***	laughing **

On Dreams; does the name MacVoorhey mean anything to you? That was the name of the lost-earring finding business I dreamed about last night, but the dream was so vivid and the name so dominant that it has stuck with me all day. I also dreamed the freakiest dream about being able to kick my legs so far up that I was able to bend my knee over my shoulder.

On Students; a student informed me on Thursday (it is coming close to report card time again) that if he gets good grades this month his mum will buy him a cell phone. Well that one's not gonna work. Another student has been spectacularly cheating in her weekly tests and I am at a loss as to what to do. Another student has shown me some photos of her in sexy poses and in an outfit that barely covers her most private bits. Um, I know I'm probably a bit past it at 26 yrs old and everything, but KIDS SHOULD NOT BE DOING THAT! Apparently her mum took the pictures.

On the Caribbean; What a fantastic day! It is so warm at the moment, but today it has been cool enough (82°F/28°C) to get on and do stuff, while still sunny and bright and bleeding well gorgeous. Sorry.

P.S. I woke up this morning mysteriously clutching an earring in my hand but unfortunately not able to wrap my legs around my shoulders.

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising *****	veggie-ing ****
watering *****	handwashing **	laughing ***

So, due to Phil's fellow teacher getting a fever (that's all...) and in the next town too, 90% of the Bushibans (language cram schools) in Huwei are now closed for a week.

INCLUDING MINE!

Sure it's unpaid. Sure I don't care. Praise the lord I'm a happy camper now. Just as it's been hotting up too.

;-)

Also discovered the joys of Cuban jazz this week - from Beuna Vista Social Club through to the Afro Cuban All-Stars. Gotta get me a latin music teacher. Fantastic stuff...

I'm glad my students didn't find this when we were writing poems in class a couple of weeks back.

This site generates a poem based on the content of the URL you type in. Go ahead, type in your site. I went ahead and typed in my site and it came up with this;

Larf. I larfed.

Mon 5 May 2003, 02:46
SARS briefing
The clock which I
was set for
just wanna get
back.
I feel great, pics from a
party on sweating. Still,
gave an old relationship,
he was attacked
on the dancefloor
and
screaming gibberish at
all.
In for 6:00am. This one
kid is. It.
Big as my fly, waving it
too, hilarious - the first was attacked.
Still, veggie, so
hope your flight was good.

I have to tell you about Presidente beer. It is simply the best brew in the whole wide world. Yes it is. Oh yes.

Those lucky enough to know me might get a taste in the summer if I can fit any in my suitcase.

Widda widda wicked.

P.S. Check the time comparison thingy I wrote down on the bottom right of the page. Yes this is what I do on a Saturday night with no boyfriend.

P.P.S. The Ex rang me tonight - said his "soul told him to call" Yeah right.

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising ****	veggie-ing *****
watering *****	handwashing ***	laughing *****

So, last Wednesday, I was teaching S3 - quite a new class of twenty or so 8, 9 and 10 yr olds.

About halfway through my riveting explanation of family members via a hastily drawn family tree (or crooked bush to be truthful), I noticed that fat, rather dim, but very sweet Tim seemed to have developed itchy thigh disease. As he was sat against the back wall in the middle he was directly in my line of vision.

Unperturbed, I carried on until two minutes later. When casting another cursory glance his way, I realised that the itch he was scratching was less thigh-based and far higher up than first suspected. I stared a little more and my worrying assumption was proved correct. Under his desk, the little tyke was pulling his plonker out through the leg of his shorts for all he was worth.

The next two minutes consisted of me humiliating the boy in front of all his classmates by sticking my finger through my fly, waving it around and exclaiming 'My name's Tim!'. I don't think he'll traumatise me like that again.

I don't mean 'affected' in a snotty, nose in the air way. I mean, one kid at Phil's school got a fever so they closed the whole place for 14 days!

Health inspectors arrived and took everyone's addresses and phone numbers (apart from Phil mind you - like the rest of us, he doesn't know his address, so the Police won't be able to check he's not going out too much!).

On one hand I'm praying one of our kids feels a bit hot too. On the other, Phil won't get any pay for those two weeks and he stands a good chance of grasping insanity with both hands and screaming gibberish at it. Huwei does that to you after a while.

My favorite t-shirt for a while... (excuse my US spelling - you should hear me say tomatoes!)

----------------------------------------------------

CO2 CO2

Wendy's fellow

I'm famous naughty boy in the world

What?

Don't you know that?

And, so...

I tell you... my
love ice cream

----------------------------------------------------

I just wanted to report on a rather small yet disturbing thing that is taking place. About 2ft away from me there is a large cockroach slowly dying, and has been for the last two hours. It has apparently managed to poo out all of it's guts and has made a gooey mess on the tiles, and is now lying there wearily twirling it's antennae around. I do wish it wouldn't.

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *	veggie-ing *
watering ****	handwashing *****	laughing ***

We’ve just had our first in-school SARS briefing. The reason? 5 (yes, count ‘em, 5!) cases have been ‘discovered’ in Yun Lin county, where we’re located. By ‘discovered’, this in fact means that 5 students from Taipei have been brought back to the nearest city to us (Toulio, pronounced Do-Lee-Oh) so they can be quarantined near their families, rather than up-country.

The key changes at school are outlined below. They are more important than teaching, we’re told, because (as my boss just put it) “protect life will be the first priority”.

* Disinfection of the entire school. Too right, it bloomin’ needs it!

* Everyone will have their temperature taken when they arrive – if it’s below 37.5C then they’re allowed in (I’m currently trying to think of ways to engineer a high temperature for prolonged periods of time for those days when I have 5 classes!)

* Everyone must wash their hands, pretty much all the time.

* The air conditioning throughout the school will be turned OFF (which should be really nice and improve the already noxious Taiwanese aroma no end). Shame, sorry, I’m being facetious, but it certainly will be sticky!

* We are allowed to wear medical masks if we so desire.

In a VERY Taiwanese turn of events, midway through our SARS briefing the boss’s voice was drowned out by a huge college parade going past the front door, consisting of a marching band and several hundred students chanting and wearing costumes ranging from transvestite nurses to Egyptian pryramids, insects and ancient warriors. I noticed there were no accompanying nuclear-strength firecrackers though (they must have had a run on)…

Well, thus far, I think 3 peope have died from this killer virus in Taiwan. That's 3 out of a total 26 million.

However, when Clare got the bus out of here, from downtown Huwei up North to the airport, they still gave her THREE medical masks and took her temperature!

I just hope the UK SARS scaries don't decide to quarantine me when I arrive back in July!

Oh, the latest product line was found yesterday on a box of herbal tea:

'Rose House - Sweet Dream'
A tropical tasted beverage that can help you
improve your silhouette!

More soon...

Need some advice please..

I have these slip-on-half-trainers shoes that are simply The Fave, and I wear them all the time. But they stink. Proper putrid. I had to leave halfway through the day yesterday to change shoes and spare the poor students. How can I get rid of the pong? I've tried disinfectant, soap, vinegar (I know) but nothing is working. If you know of a solution, let me know!!

Thanks =)

Two really terrible things happened today.

The first was that I woke up early - even before my alarm which was set for 6:00am. "This is nice" I thought as I lay in bed, "it's not so bad getting up early, I feel great, and I don't have to be at school until 8:00." Then I looked at the clock which said 8:16am.

The second terrible thing was that I finally succumbed to the seductive bright lights and polished plastic of McDonalds.
I ate, it was revolting, I feel sick, I will never do it again.

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising ***	veggie-ing *
watering ***	handwashing ***	laughing *

A little shallow, but today I gave an assessment to a girl who will be joining the school next year, and apparently when she and her mother had arrived and were in the corridor, the mother pointed me out and said "I hope shes your teacher.."

Sweet. =)

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising ****	veggie-ing *
watering **	handwashing *****	laughing ****

So, Clare left here yesterday, leaving me the only foreign 'teacher' at my school. That was strange even for just one day... looking over and seeing her empty desk. The Chinese teachers round about are going to get a full dose of my stupid, strangely ironical humour, lucky old them. Thus my schedule for the next month is also turning quite hellish (though I'm obviously staying positive plus it's more cash I guess).

It seems that the more press SARS receives the trickier this new appointment could be to come to fruition, which is a real shame. I'm just going to grin, bear it, try not to get too stressed, and in the meantime, maybe stop perspiring for just five minutes... unlikely really, as someone above has cranked the heat up these last two weeks. It's now at the stage where I lay in (well, on) bed, with the fan on, sweating. Still, this motivates you to go swimming in the cold long length pool lots so I'm getting fitter!

I'm trying to persuade student Cecilia to come to a nearby city on Saturday (I'd write it, but I can't remember the spelling!), to see the Delta Saxophone Quartet, a cutting edge UK ensemble who are over from England. Wish me luck... I really need a bit of giggage, it's been a while!

Will write more very shortly. The first of today's ten teaching hours is about to start.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ;-)

I swear to you, I'm not making this up. It happened AGAIN!

Innocently walking down the road I was passed by a man on a motorbike. The man turned down the street that I live on, and I half-thought to myself that I hoped he wouldn't still be there when I reached the corner. He was. He was parked across the pavement and with a quick check behind him that no-one was around he pulled out his penis.

Well, fantastic. I stopped in my tracks and turned around the way I had come, but of course he followed me on his bike. Duh. "Hey, you don't like my d*ck?" "Go away" "What's wrong? You don't like my.." "GO AWAY" "I want.." "GO AWAY!" Anyway, he got the message and rode off, but man I was scared. Someone was attacked on this road last week apparently, and I'm a complete wet fish when it comes to people because agressive towards me.

I sincerely hope that it never happens to me, or even that any other men want to show me their private parts. Ever. Especially on a Sunday afternoon.

today's efforts

sleeping **	exercising ****	veggie-ing *
watering ***	handwashing *	laughing ***

A beautiful Sunday morning and I'm homesick. I miss England, I miss the plummy voices, I miss the season changes, I miss the shopping. You realize of course that I'm referring to the romantic ideal, not the actual thing. What I mean is, I think I'm in for a sharp reality shock when I get back - I don't think I'll find that it was trudging around Aldi/the pound shops in the rain that I was missing.

The grass is always greener huh?

I am SO not gonna get any sympathy for this post am I?

today's efforts

sleeping **	exercising ****	veggie-ing *
watering ***	handwashing *	laughing ***

Last night I danced. With men. To a band.

It was fun, but I wonder if it'll ever be like this in England - where people go to 'dances' and the girls sit and wait to be asked to dance. When a man approaches a girl, the couple hold hands to walk to the dancefloor, and then hold each other to dance. Oh wait, it did used to be like that. About fifty years ago.

It really is bizarre, of all the culture differences you experience when you move to another country, this one has been the hardest to get accustomed to. I just wanna get dressed up, breeze into a club, get onto the dancefloor and do my thang. None of this hanging around waiting for a man to ask you to dance and then only dance for one song (actually some people stay for two, but it gets pretty hot, so objection overruled). I mean, what a waste of time, sitting around when you could be having a party on the dancefloor.

Anyway, quit complaining Jessi, you had fun.

Have I told you about the music/dancing here? The music they play in nightclubs is about 90% merengue, a little salsa, a little bachata and two or three tracks per night of 'american music'. The band last night was playing 'merengue tipico' which is so much faster than the regular stuff. If you don't know what merengue sounds like, download some from Kazaa/imesh etc. Try dancing to it too, it's hilarious the first time you try. Basically, you step from foot to foot with every beat of the music, while swinging your behind like there's no tomorrow. Simple huh? Then of course you should be dancing with the man leading and the girl following, throw in a few turns and twirls (technical terms!) and you are dancing merengue. Woohoo!

When I got home, I think I must've not had enough because apparently (I can't actually remember, Mrs. Vodkaandorangejuice won't let me), I dug out my merengue CDs. As you do. I should've just gone to bed like normal people, I had a dentist appointment booked for 8.00am. Hehehe.

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *****	veggie-ing *
watering ***	handwashing ***	laughing *****

Woke up fully clothed, full make up, lights left on and my discman still on my head.

I fell asleep dancing again didn't I?

So anyway, this morning I missed my dentist appointment, scheduled a new one, had the coldest, harshest shower, tried to limit the floods of 'I-just-remembered-what-I-did-last-night-s' to small doses and poured a cup of Dominican ginger tea. Oh yummy scrummy. I also cleared away the pile of CDs I had obviously demolished while selecting the beat of the hour last night and cleared away the empty can of tuna(!) and soda cracker wrapper - I must've been hungry when I got home.

Don't you just love morning afters? Complete lack of co-ordination or organization, spinning head, eyeballs like cactus skin, funky smelling clothes and a ridiculous appetite for protein. Is that just me? I am still veggie, so I guess it might be.

The best thing about morning afters in the Dominican Republic is opening the windows to air the room. You are greeted by the softest breeze, streaming sunshine, the bluest skies and a whacking great palm tree that looms 30ft up in the air outside your room. Kinda puts things into perspective, I can tell you.

Right now though, I must take off the make up that has forgotten to wash itself off. I'm a little scared of what's lurking underneath..

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *****	veggie-ing *
watering ***	handwashing ***	laughing *****

Or did I dump him? It's hard to tell. So anway, once again I trudge back to spectacular spinsterville with my tail between my legs and accept singledom all over again. I hope to flip I can find someone to while out the rest of my days with, 'cos it's flipping lonely on my own. I sound like an old woman huh? Well, it's dawning on me that I only have a couple of Caribbean months left before I have to head on back to Old Blighty. The sun'd better bloody be out when I get back I'm telling you. So here's your notice Sun Gods.. I should be going back around July-ish.

... note to self; today you chewed two nails off in a fit of nervous stress and chewed all the others off in a bout of depression, so you now have STUBBY FINGERS. Don't do it again. Also, this will serve as a marker to tell how long it takes for the flipping things to grow back again. note to self over ...
... note to self #2, it is now the end of MAY and your nails have only just grown to normal length again.

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising ****	veggie-ing ***
watering ****	handwashing *	laughing *

A couple of people asked me if I got a chocolate egg on the weekend..

No they dont do chocolate eggs at easter here. What they do is turn off all music and general good humour on Good Friday and wait for it.. mourn the death of Jesus. Then the mourning period lasts until the Sunday when everyone kind of goes 'Jesus this/Lord that/Happy Easter/Lets go to bed early'. Religion is messed up if you ask me.

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising ****	veggie-ing ***
watering ****	handwashing *	laughing *

Ha! The slacker returns!

Today is my first official day off in 6 months (bar a couple when I was projectile vomiting, but you don't need to know any more about that do you?).

Thus I decided to take today off, do a little internet work that my 6-day weeks don't give me time to do, and generally download some chilled tunes and relax.

So, what's new in Taiwan? Well, everyone is stressing to death about SARS, despite the fact that as far as I can work out more people across the world have probably died this year from tripping over their own feet... (nearly did it myself last week thanks to a top-of-the-stairs, just-woken-up wobble).

Otherwise, school is moving along slowly. I'm currently debating whether after I return to Blighty in July for Nicky's wedding (as originally planned) I will or won't come back here.

Not because I'm desperately sad, hate Taiwan etc. (which I don't at all), just because I'll be debt-free and itching to plough more time into my own online ventures - not killing myself so that once a month each of my students can stare at me with a v.confused expression when I ask them - 'What is this/that? Come on, you know the answer... I just told you... What do you mean your name's Nail?' (that's true, one of the boys has just that moniker, the lucky pup).

Oh, I've just scanned a couple of great pics from the last group outing to Kenting two or three wks back, which are below.

I'll write more soon, I promise! Jess, hope your mouth is healing. I have similar dental adventures to come in the next couple of weeks.

This pic: everyone on the way home after a weekend of vodka, swimming and sun (not necessarily in that order). L-R Jackie (Clare's Taiwanese friend), Andrew (Todd's new English teacher flatmate), Phil, Todd, me, Clare, Nicky & Renee)...

Next pic: Todd the Flasher (featuring 'Impressed Nicky', 'Distraught Matt', 'Local Lunatic Phil').

OK, so I haven't said anything about it yet (BAD jessi) but I have been kinda seeing the ex. We got pretty close again last week, and have been out a couple of times. Only thing is, I'm not into rekindling the old relationship we used to have, and I needed to let him know.

He on the other hand seemed to think that we could just pick up where we left off and everything would be peaches and cream. So not the case. So I got together with him this afternoon and had a 'we have to define our relationship' chat. Boy did he take it badly! I thought all men would love to hear things like "let's keep it casual" and "I'm not ready to commit" after all these phrases seem to slip easily off their tongues. I was so wrong. Oh well, at least he now knows where he stands.

In other news, I have a stinking hangover today from a late night session with some wicked girls from New Jersey. (Thanks girls) Hope you enjoyed your visit to the Domincan Republic and your flight was good. xx

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *****	veggie-ing ***
watering *****	handwashing ***	laughing *****

Nice to hear from you man, and even nicer to hear about your endowments.

that cultivating relationships with the internet is infinitely more simple than with actual people in real life.

Also that eating crackers with stitches along your gumline still hurts as much when you are drunk.

today's efforts

sleeping *	exercising *	veggie-ing **
watering *	handwashing ***	laughing *****

I have stopped bleeding. Phew. I'm left with some revolting looking bruises though. Yuk. But who gives a whatsit anyway??

I am going out dancing with the girls tonight - Woohoo!!! There may be trouble though, there's a full moon and nightclubs full of brew.. We'll wait and see how much havok we can cause. And about time too I say. Nothing like a good booze knees up. Hehe.

I'll check back with you tomorrow with an almighty hangover I'll wager. "You have a WOMAN'S hangover my lord"

got stood up - life's a pile of ----

today's efforts

sleeping ****	exercising *****	veggie-ing *****
watering ****	handwashing **	laughing ****

I seem to be bleeding. Quite a lot. It won't stop -what do I do?

UPDATE: 48 hrs later and I'm still bleeding. This is so not fun. I'm going back to the dentist.

I'm a sucker when it comes to this dentist lark. I found myself gazing up at the horrid strip lights again this morning, while the guy prodded and poked and made me bleed. Our lack of a common language is a bit of a bugger, and every time he ends up doing quite the opposite of what I think he's going to.

I have got to admit, even though I'm one of these practical, down-to-earth types who doesn't even flinch when faced with blood/needles etc. I do tend to freak a little when it's going on in my mouth. Dunno why, but I'm not alone, am I? So when he pulls out the big hyperdermic I spin into a mini hyperventilation. OK, I only got freaked, but the nail scissors come out next and I begin to shake and squirm.. whenever he uses these his mouth does this weird chewing/concentration thingie and that's just plain scary. So then out comes the scalpel. He uses this to saw bits off instead of cut them. I am in a state of mild panic by now, and I am shaking uncontrollably, sweating and crying and everyone is looking rather concerned.. apparently at the lack of blood in my hands (eh?).

Ok so after about an hour of this I have stayed conscious, calmed down to a state of nervous anxiety and thankfully stopped blubbing. Satan The dentist seems to be wrapping it up a bit now. The blood gush has lessoned to an occasional spurt and my face is being mopped up. Thank god. And out comes... a needle and thread! WHAT THE??? You've cut me up so badly you have to stitch it together?? What the **** have you been doing in there?? Well folks this was the final straw. I managed to hold onto my bladder for the last 15 minutes while he practiced his needlecraft - not an easy feat as the anaesthetic seems to have worn off in the last hour that he has been fooling around, but I was truly and utterly unhinged. I went into shock from that point on, and have been ever since. I managed to mumble my address to a taxi driver and get back home, fill a woolly sock with ice and press it to my face while I wrote this one-handed. And now I am going to crawl into a corner and feel very sorry for myself.

today's efforts

sleeping **	exercising **	veggie-ing *
watering ****	handwashing **	laughing *

I watched telly with a frog. A big, kinda beige coloured frog who obviously just wanted company and decided I could provide it. =) It sat on the seat next to me and in return for my (delightful) company, provided me with a completely unresponsive conversational partner. In other words.. I talked to a frog while watching the telly last night.

Ah.

Anyway, I don't think it was actually watching it, I mean do frogs like trashy American TV?

P.S. The ex called me this morning and wants to get together to 'talk'. I said yes, because it is on the way to a party I am going to tonight, but I think he is planning something. Am I a fool? I am trying my hardest to build up a good friendship with the guy, don't want to offend him. On the other hand, I don't want to leap into a slushy reunion. Mind you, if I've started talking to frogs maybe I need to get me a life. Especially when I start to write about it on the net. Oh piddle.

today's efforts

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watering **	handwashing****	laughing ****

as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising ***	veggie-ing ****
watering **	handwashing ****	laughing ****

Not really, but I just found this apathic journal generator that insired me(!). Go have a look, it's funny.

Perfect for those days when nothing really happened and you don't know what to write. Saves you the bother of thinking of something. Hehe.

That never happens to me. No.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

No way am I going to let piercing close up, but what can I do? I could improvise with a paperclip I suppose. Oh man, this truly is a bum situation.

Any donations of a 13mm steel bar with two balls (plastic, size - small) will be gratefully accepted at the following address;

Casa Bummed Out
#8 Flucking Humid Today Street
NoBodyPiercingAllowedHeresville
Island
Caribbean

today's efforts

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watering *****	handwashing *****	laughing *****

Mortified I was. I was on a shopping 'spree', that is I was up for buying things in more than one shop in one go.. and I was going good, I had managed one shop, I was hot but not stressed - and then my card was refused. I found out (the embarrassing way!) that my account has a daily withdrawal limit of $750. In pounds that's £22.04!!! How crazy! It's not like things are that different here, you pay the say price for practically everything, especially since import prices have gone sky high. How can they put a £22 limit on a checking account?? That's the price of a blouse for flip's sake.

Next week is Semana Santa (Easter week) so I plan to spend the whole time withdrawing my £22 every day so that perhaps I can get a decent shop in by the end of my holiday...

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising ****	veggie-ing ****
watering ***	handwashing **	laughing ***

I walked past a huge tree today that somebody had repeatedly set fire to. There was a hole right through it's trunk so big that it has created a kind of fireplace effect. Still, high up in the tree's branches, lush green leaves were blowing in the wind. Amazing how nature copes huh?

today's efforts

sleeping ***	exercising ****	veggie-ing ****
watering ***	handwashing **	laughing ***

Well, what gossip do I have?

Erm, tricky one.

Well, last weekend there was a national holiday on the Saturday so 7 of us borrowed one car, hired another, and went to Kenting to sit on the beach for two days.

We arrived about 3am Friday night / Saturday am, and then preceeded to drink until around lunchtime. Morning dancing in the sand - great fun. We were all on top form (pictures to follow folks!)

Oh, Phil and I bumped into two foreigners at the fruit shop - two blokes who've just arrived in Huwei - Joe an Englishman and a South African called Gareth.

As we have a spare room at our place (and will have 2 soon as Clare's leaving the country), we told them to stop staying in a hotel while their agent messes them about and move in with us (which they did yesterday). It's also Gareth's birthday, so on finishing this mail I'm going to purchase some of Taiwan's finest imported vodka and coke.

School is going, going, just going really. I had a demo lesson on Tuesday which was dull and in which at times I wanted to crawl into a hole, any hole, and just die really (an average Matt lesson then! - someone that knows...).

More soon... y'all email me now!

Wow!

Hope you'll You will be very happy together!

today's efforts

sleeping ****	exercising ***	veggie-ing *****
watering *****	handwashing ***	laughing *****

Bliss! I got caught in the rain just now, walking back from the dentist, and Dominican rain is such a treat! The raindrops are HUGE and warm, and they don't drip or drop or pitter patter so much as ... um ... well, FLUP. I got completely soaked to the skin and it was so lush and warm and kinda cozy too. Mad eh? I generated a good few comments from people - "Crazy American", because here, no-one walks in the rain. Uh uh. I don't care though. Let them stare!

today's efforts

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watering ***	handwashing **	laughing ****

An excellent game I shared with the students today..
Everyone leaves the room except three people and the host (teacher). The three people get into a row while the host goes out of the room and blindfolds a volunteer, before guiding them into the room. The host explains to the volunteer that they are to try and recognize by touch each of the three people. The host holds the index finger of the volunteer and guides it over the face of the first person. "This is the nose" as the finger is guided over the nose. "These are the lips" as the finger is guided over the lips. "This is the left eye" as the finger is guided over the left eye lid. Likewise with the right eye. After this is done, the host asks the volunteer if they can recognize the person.

The host then moves on to the second seated person and repeats the procedure. And again with the third seated person, only this time, when the host is holding the index finger of the volunteer and is just about to stroke the right eyelid, the host plunges the finger into a bowl of jelly. The volunteer thinks he has just plunged his finger into the persons eye! It really feels like it - everyone who does it screams. The people outside of the room wonder what is going on. Repeat all this again with another volunteer who is outside of the room. Eventually you will have a classroom full of prior victims anticipating the "jelly moment".
An excellent game I'm telling you, I had students clinging on to me for dear life with anxiety and terror. And they loved it. Hehe.

today's efforts

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watering *****	handwashing ****	laughing *****

I nearly peed my pants. Oh mirth. Turn your speakers up for this insanity test.

click here

today's efforts

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watering *****	handwashing *****	laughing *****

It was the most fun, confusing and stressful day I have had this year. The kids liked it though.

The other teachers, however, said they thought I had gone mad. Perhaps I have..

today's efforts

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watering *****	handwashing ****	laughing *****

I was just writing this weeks spelling words on the board.. the room was hot and sticky.. the chalk was snowing down around my fingers.. the kids were quiet (!).. and I was just thinking 'I need a pee, I wonder if I can leave them for a second...' and an all-consuming, overwhelming urge took over me! I was blown away by the sensation! I could hardly contain myself. No, it wasn't for whatever you are thinking, it was an urge for a basket of scampi and a pint of lager top in a pub garden in Carmarthen. How bizarre.
I could just see the wonky wooden tables, I could just smell the greasy french fries, I could just hear the jukebox filtering through from inside, I could just taste the tartare sauce. Oh! the ketchup! I wonder if you can buy tartare sauce out here, the ketchup's really naff. Nice mayonnaise though.

Enough.

today's efforts

sleeping ****	exercising **	veggie-ing *****
watering *****	handwashing ****	laughing *****

The kids like the substitute teacher more than me.

OK, so she has less responsibility and therefore less stress than me, has a load of new games that they don’t know from me, and extra time to play them in due to last minute timetable changes. I can handle coming second in a popularity contest, that’s not a problem, but they are actually saying that she is a better teacher than me – when I asked why they said because she plays games and has fun.

No fair! I hardly ever get to play anymore, there is never enough time, and I’ve run out of original games anyway. And now the students are asking when the substitute teacher is coming again. To think I actually hired her, paid her my own money, just so that she could turn my students against me.

today's efforts

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watering **	handwashing ****	laughing *

... for the mosquitos at least. Not content with all four limbs and my entire torso they have now decided that my neck and the palms of my hands are tasty areas too!

Oh Leave. Me. Alone.

today's efforts

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watering **	handwashing **	laughing *****

I am hot and sweaty and completely shattered.

I am learning how to play basketball. Yey!

today's efforts

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watering *****	handwashing *****	laughing *****

Remember a week or two back I told y'all about that Taiwanese engagement party I went to? Eunice, a teacher at school, is soon to be wed and had a big old do (i.e. lunch and karaoke) at her house...

Well, on the beautiful little piccie below, you can check out not only the size of my flourishing ears, but (from L-R), Michelle, who also works at school, Clare, Eunice herself, moi and the babe Eunice is determined to set me up with (called Vicky I think).

Hope that made a little sense. If not, well it's no great surprise is it?

I did get paid today, but I also just managed to spend $500 by accident. That's almost two day's pay! I only went down to the shop to buy oats and sugar. Aargf. Must be more carefull when faced with commercialism.

today's efforts

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watering **	handwashing *****	laughing *****

How pants. I went to the supermarket and found that I had just 61 pesos left in my account, so I had to walk all the way back empty handed. Ah well, payday must be this week..

today's efforts

sleeping *****	exercising *****	veggie-ing *****
watering ***	handwashing ****	laughing ***

I need a hit list!!
I had to go for a loooong walk just now and decided that a few new year march resolutions were in order. So here they are;

I need more…
* sleep
* water
* exercise
* vegetables
* hand washing
* laughing

I reckon I’d better stick to these…

My students today told me that I am too old to 'dance reggae''.

=(

I have been told.

in Huwei, Taiwan...

* to see sick children on drips and in wheelchairs careering down the middle of market street in a morning, with their mothers clinging onto the back, picking up fresh veg from local sellers as they pass...

* for locals to take a shower if they've been caught out in the rain. It's acidic you see, and your hair may fall out apparently (I'm risking it, cos I think I'd look very funny indeed with no hair)...

* for school, home, in fact everywhere to smell of wee. Drainage here is not that effective...

* for everyone to tell you to go to hospital should you catch a cold, or in fact sneeze more than once (if you know me then, you can imagine how some colleagues here think I'll be dead soon!)...

AAaargh. Vent! Vent! Vent! I had to run away from school just now (Though I have officially finished for the day). Too much stress for me by half. I have been running around like said headless chicken all day, trying vainly to look cool, calm and collected, while internally having a minor breakdown, I SO need an expresso right now. Shall I bore you with the details? - moody kids, failed exams, dreadful homeworks, 'reading marathon' results to present ON FRIDAY with not an appropriate reading level book in sight..... Uh oh, I'm steaming up again.

And so, I ran away (with the intention of returning later when there are less people about) to my familiar 17" screen with the zen-like desktop, comfy seat and English radio stations. thank you technology

And relax.